tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-51712421561374999852024-03-14T06:33:08.459+13:00Jennifer DarlingJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.comBlogger201125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-42488370921799066922020-10-27T07:22:00.003+13:002020-10-27T07:22:23.655+13:00Redemption arc in a hug<p> Last night Hunter was being a toad. He has that mischievous spirit kids get in them. Throwing things, ripping paper, refusing to eat dinner and so on. We were trying our best but nerves were frayed!</p><p>Then he fell, while running away form me. He cut his chin, bruised his head and grazed his hands.</p><p>It's like all that mischievous spirit was suddenly spent, and he just needed 'babying.' He sobbed and sobbed in my arms. And I took a wet cloth and gently cleaned him up. I dabbed his grazes, and rubbed the warm cloth all over his face. I took his hands and put the cloth in the, folded his fingers over and stroked his fingers. Slow, calming motions.</p><p>He calmed down, and sat content on me. In one way just a normal parenting moment, but in another way it was special. Some kind of redemption arc, a small and holy moment between mother and son. I calmed him, and him me.</p><p>I love being this boys mum. Always learning so much.</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Koh63pBvqiI/X5cTzSOfULI/AAAAAAACQQk/OnjWgjhUUhY4QvRUgOPR60S3h53DoQxhgCPcBGAsYHg/s3648/IMG_20201005_132304.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="3648" data-original-width="2736" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Koh63pBvqiI/X5cTzSOfULI/AAAAAAACQQk/OnjWgjhUUhY4QvRUgOPR60S3h53DoQxhgCPcBGAsYHg/s320/IMG_20201005_132304.jpg" /></a></div><br /><p><br /></p>Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-13700676418744218332019-01-10T09:51:00.002+13:002019-01-10T09:51:47.550+13:005 years old<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When you are pregnant with your first child, your world expands. Nine months until your life changes forever. You imagine a year from now when you have a baby. And you think years ahead... school, teenagers, one day their own children. </div>
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Your pregnancy progresses and months are the focus. Eight to go.... seven.... six. Eventually your focus shifts to weeks. Only 15 more weeks to go! 15 weeks doesn't feel so long, and yet it stretches for all eternity.</div>
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When Ada was born, she was 10 weeks early. That TEN stood shockingly in our minds. Our expanded timelines suddenly collapsed into hours.... tests, waiting.... minutes..... the operating room, waiting for her to come out.... seconds....she is here.... into my single breaths waiting to hear her.... one..... two.... three.... and she cried!</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at birth</td></tr>
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As she was whisked away time slowly, slowly started to expand again. Minutes, as they told me she was breathing well, hours til I could see her, days til I could hold her.</div>
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Forty-two long days passed and she came home. Our world expanded again. How old is she? She is three months.... four..... and then one year had passed.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at 1</td></tr>
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As we stand on the precipice of her turning five, as I slow my thoughts, I can almost feel my world collapse again into those slow seconds as she was born. I remember the dragging agony as each second took an hour. And then I look up- and there she is. Five. Giggling, gangly, my girl. Five years has both zoomed by and taken forever to arrive.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at 2</td></tr>
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FIVE is the number that is in the back of all parents minds from the day their child is born. It's foggy to start and not really a clear focus, but as the child grows, FIVE starts to grow on the horizon. You have FIVE years with them just yours. As Ada grew, three, four, FIVE started to become something on her own horizon. She started to get excited about school and about this magical number all the kids talked about.</div>
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'I wish I would be five,' she said when she was three.</div>
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I thought both, 'slow down' and 'I can't wait either.'</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at 3</td></tr>
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<span style="text-align: justify;">And now five has arrived, I am sure the next years, six, seven, eight, will pass by with a speed that will catch me off guard. So I am taking this moment to pause in my mind and capture all the emotion and depth that comes with today.</span><br />
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Ada, I am so proud of you today. I feel like my heart will burst out of it's chest with love. My throat is thick with tears, although I won't let you see. Right now I can see you playing with Hunter, reading a book, asking me 'why??' again. You are in front of me, and you are in my mind too... baby Ada, so tiny, paper thin skin, covered in wires, warm and unknowable. Like a parallel picture, I can see both as if they are both happening at the same time.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at 4</td></tr>
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A parents goal is to grow a child in independence and confidence, which means they slowly move further and further away from you. From that utterly dependant baby, through five years you are now slowly moving away from me, as you should. In 3 weeks you will start school, a new important chapter in your life, and another step towards being you.</div>
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Five is a milestone, one tinged with nostalgia and also great joy and celebration.</div>
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Ada, today you are fierce, firey, fantastic, funny, flourishing, FIVE</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at 5</td></tr>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-17312836443580256802018-11-19T09:05:00.004+13:002018-11-19T09:11:56.277+13:00Advent for Pre-Schoolers<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's that time of year! </div>
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Our tree is up!</div>
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Christmas parties and get togethers are planned!</div>
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And the incessant talk of Santa and presents has begun..... oh.</div>
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I have realised that Christmas is so exciting for four year olds (and two year olds!), but if we don't steer the narrative a bit, then the focus will just be on Santa and getting gifts. </div>
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I also realised I am missing that sort of joy you get from basic rituals and traditions you have with your family. </div>
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And so, my advent plan was born!</div>
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This year I am planning<b> two nativity focused advent activities</b> and<b> four general and more simple activities.</b></div>
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<b><i>Nativity focus</i></b></div>
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We are doing two basic traditions this year and we may expand on them in following years.</div>
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The first is <b>advent candles</b> (which I blatantly stole from <a href="http://sacraparental.com/2013/12/01/advent-with-toddlers/">Sacraparental</a>, but it also turns out this is a common way to celebrate advent which I didn't previously know about.)</div>
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There are 5 candles. Green is for hope, Blue for peace, Yellow for joy, Red for love and White for Jesus. Each night at dinner (or most nights.... lets be realistic!) we will light a candle and talk about what the word means to us. The first week you light green, the second week you light blue and green and so on.... until you light white on Christmas day.</div>
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This activity seems very toddler friendly (thinking of my two year old specifically!). I am sure Hunter won't understand much of what is going on, but it will be something he will be able to join in and anticipate (and blowing out candles is one of his most favourite activities.) </div>
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As for Ada, who is almost 5, I imagine this activity will get her thinking a little deeper about some basic nativity values. When we talk to Ada about what hope or peace means for her, I don't expect she will understand much to begin with, but with basic examples I think she will gain a better understanding (hope means I can feel excited about starting school, love means I am kind to people and so on).</div>
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The second activity is a <b>Nativity devotion and scene builder</b> that my Dad sent us. Every night we pop out a piece of a cardboard 3D scene and add to it. By the 25th you have a full nativity scene. This part seems very toddler friendly.</div>
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You also have a wee activity or devotion to learn about the nativity story- the journey, the birth of Jesus, the 3 wise men, the shepherds and angels and so on. This part seems more appropriate for age 4+, although I am sure Hunter will enjoy reading the stories.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Our advent candles and devotion planner on the wall. The cardboard scene will be built on this table.</td></tr>
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<b><i>General advent</i></b></div>
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The last four activities we will do are much more simple and accessible by anyone!</div>
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The first is a classic <b>chocolate advent calendar. </b></div>
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The second is taking the kids to Farmers and <b>letting them pick one decoration each for the tree. </b>This will add to the magic for them especially for Ada. If I can, I will write the year on the decoration and we will add to this every year.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Helping put the decorations on the tree</td></tr>
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The third is <b>buying some food and giving it to those who need it</b>. This year this kids daycare is organising this, so me and Ada will go to the shop together to get a few things. This will be a great opportunity for Ada to be involved in helping others and learning the importance of kindness. </div>
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The final activity is wrapping and <b>opening a book on Christmas eve for each child. </b>I have already ordered a book about starting school for Ada and a digger book for Hunter. There would be nothing wrong with using a second hand shop book for this- we get second hand books all the time and the kids love them!</div>
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I hope the post has helped spark some ideas for your advent. Advent is a time of anticipation and waiting and I am excited to do these activities with my family to build up to Christmas day.</div>
Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-20331227935868568112018-08-21T20:13:00.000+12:002018-09-08T09:03:16.240+12:00No one told meNo one told me...<br />
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It's not the first week in, even the first month year, or child.<br />
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A couple of years into parenting, and you realise. No one told me it would be like this.<br />
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The relentless doing.<br />
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The desire to achieve something well and not getting the space to do it.</div>
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The monotony.</div>
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The sicknesses that keep coming back and back because you never get a chance to properly rest.<br />
<span style="text-align: start;">Lack of sleep and money.</span><br />
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Never ending snot and tears and scrapes and bruises.</div>
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A google search 'rash, fever cough + toddler'</div>
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Rushed showers, and slapped on makeup that looks ridiculous 3 hours later in natural light.</div>
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Mornings, a kid wet with wee, and now you are too.</div>
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Four coffees too many, and a funny stain on your work pants.</div>
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The unyielding guilt, because whatever way you parent, it will be wrong in some way.</div>
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Maybe no one told me because they couldn't tell me. There is no time to sit and contemplate how busy life is when life is so busy. There is no way to tell an expectant or new parent what it is like without sounding patronising.</div>
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No one told me...</div>
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It's not the first week in, even the first month year, or child.</div>
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A couple of years into parenting, and you realise. No one told me it would be like this.</div>
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The relentless love that keeps you going.</div>
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A head full of anecdotes about the kids and wanting to share them with anyone.</div>
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The desire to tell the world about how amazing your children are, and how proud you are of them.</div>
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The joy.</div>
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The memories that keep coming back of when they were wee, and the desire to treasure all the moments in between before they slip through your hands.<br />
Lots of cuddles and love.<br />
Never ending hugs and amazement at the new thing they can do.<br />
A google search 'fun games to play + toddler'</div>
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Nights out with your husband, the time to dress up, enjoy a few wines and reconnect.<br />
Mornings, a kid snuggling into you 'morning mummy.'<br />
Four coffees too many and the energy to get through the day.</div>
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The unyielding pride, in them, and in yourself. Guilt has to be constantly pushed away because you know it's a wasted emotion and you are doing a great job.</div>
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Maybe no one told me because they couldn't tell me. There is no time to sit and contemplate how amazing life is and how deep your love is for them, when life is so busy. There is no way to tell an expectant or new parent what it is like without sounding patronising.</div>
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The good and the bad, the busy and the quiet. Life is incredibly different since they arrived. There is no way to explain it properly. You have to live it, up's and downs and all. That's why no one told me.</div>
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<br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-46871662353138762482018-04-02T14:26:00.000+12:002018-09-08T09:03:28.880+12:0020 months of Hunter John<div style="text-align: justify;">
HJ has been in our lives for 20 loud, colourful, cheeky months now.</div>
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While we had a<a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2014/01/life-with-nicu-baby.html"> tough beginning with Ada</a>, her later years have been relatively easy, in the scheme of things. Never one to be the same as his sister, Hunter's <a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2016/08/hunter-birth-story_9.html">beginning was a dream</a>, and as he has grown and become affectionately known as #adventureboy, his later months have been a whole new level of full on.</div>
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Friends and family have been witness to the fact that I can rarely sit down, or get one task finished in Hunters presence- he is simply too fast and too quick getting into mischief somewhere else. I am now the mum signing the accident book nearly every day at daycare, or having 'the chat' about my toddler hitting or biting others.</div>
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It has taken me a long time to find my way as a mother to this boy who is so enthusiastic about everything.</div>
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He has shown me his world, and it is one I had never encountered before. </div>
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His love of bins (he affectionally points every bin out on our travels.) </div>
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His obsession with cars, planes, trains 'brrrrrm.' </div>
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His love of dance (ANY beat can be danced to) and singing.<br />
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His friendliness- he loves to point at people and wave 'bye bye!'</div>
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His love of baby dolls (we use these as a learning opportunity for being gentle.) </div>
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His fully body hugs, where he climbs and clings onto you and has the hugest grin on his face.</div>
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Everything is an adventure. Meal time, nappy change time (can I touch some poop?), car rides (I can see a truck!), bathtime. There is nothing that Hunter can't get excited about. While myself, Matt and Ada might prefer to chill out, Hunter always has energy to go at life at full tilt.</div>
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So yes, my adventure boy could also be called 'tire mum out boy,' but I wouldn't have it any other way.</div>
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Hunter John, we love you and your spirit, Keep on being our adventure boyJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-8843196174838936782018-02-02T20:40:00.000+13:002018-09-08T09:03:41.180+12:00The best chapter<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've been getting that 'look' from elderly ladies lately.</div>
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I'll be in the supermarket, probably with both kids. They are full of beans (or free countdown fruit for kids, more accurately) and I just want to whizz through and get the shop done. I'm in some sort of harried rush, multitasking with the list, the kids and the bags.</div>
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I walk past an elderly lady in the aisle and she will look at us. And I can see her eyes soften and her face go into a half smile. Sometimes she will say nothing, and sometimes she will make a passing comment about 'oh they are lovely' or 'oh it goes so fast.'</div>
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It is never the middle aged women. I have thought about this and think it's because the early years of chaos are still too close in memory. Or perhaps they have young grandkids of their own, so don't need to get gooey over mine.</div>
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But the elderly ladies, oh they are far enough away from this stage to miss it, to feel wistful, to take time to engage with us.</div>
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In that moment I feel what I am calling pre-empt<span style="text-align: center;">ive nostalgia. I can be sentimental at the best of times, but sometimes I am sentimental in the moment that is happening right now, because I know I will miss it when it's gone.</span></div>
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Perhaps it's because my last baby is now 18 months and I've joined the ranks of women who have gone before me- women who have finished having kids. Women who will no longer hold their own new babies in their arms.</div>
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And something in me yearns for more, for time to stop (I'll call that thing hormones.) Yet all of me knows that time is moving, my kids are growing and this is a good thing.</div>
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So I feel that nostalgia too. The elderly lady glances at me, and I feel it in the pit of my stomach. Her wistful smile makes me wistful too, but also thankful. My kids are full on and I want to get the shop finished, but in that moment, those 5 seconds, I hold onto that whispering feeling of nostalgia and thankfulness, then I let it go and step back into the chaos.</div>
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"<a href="https://www.instagram.com/p/BekCxOfnelQ/?taken-by=jennsoninstagram">Someday when the pages of my life end</a>, I know these years will be one of the most beautiful chapters"</div>
Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-55513958514404485422017-11-17T06:54:00.000+13:002018-09-08T09:03:51.337+12:00World Prematurity Day- nearly 4 years onToday is world prematurity day.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The first photo of Ada, born at 30 weeks</td></tr>
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Day like this one, as well as miscarriage awareness, always make me stop and pause. A lot can, and did, happen in the past 5 years, and while I am forever changed by the miscarriages and Ada's premature birth, they are now distant enough from me to no longer be a source of pain. Instead my experiences are a tool to help others.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at a week or two old</td></tr>
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To mothers who are having miscarriages, and especially before having any live children, I understand. You never know if you'll actually have a child, or if this pain will fade. I can tell you time is a healer, and this won't define you forever.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at around 5 months old</td></tr>
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To mothers who have had a child born early, or have been thrown into a medical world they didn't see coming for their baby- you don't know what the future holds, or how you will get through. I understand. I can tell you that you and your baby are stronger than you imagine.</div>
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I can't tell you how your story will end- it's different for all of us. All I can tell is <a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/search/label/premature%20baby">my story</a>, and pray it will give you comfort in a sea of uncertainty.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at around 9 months old</td></tr>
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From two lost babies, to a daughter born at 30 weeks, a year of tube feeding, and an extremely stressful and high risk second pregnancy- through all the dark and hurt and storms, we are through the other side. These events have left indelible scars on my heart, but also a compassion and empathy like I would have never known otherwise.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at 1</td></tr>
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<span style="text-align: justify;">We have Ada who is almost 4 and thriving. Hunter is 1 and full of life. If I could send one message to myself on that day of the first miscarriage it would be 'It will be ok. You will get through this.'</span><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada at 2</td></tr>
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Today on world prematurity day I think of all the parents and babies currently in the hospital, I think of all the parents who are about to be thrown into this world and don't know it. </div>
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Today we celebrate all the children who once were premmies and now are growing, strong, loud, fun, wild and kind- all those things a tiny baby holds within them but you can't see at the time. </div>
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Today I give Ada an extra big hug, and I celebrate her journey and the girl she has become.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada now at 3</td></tr>
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Find out more about World Prematurity Day <a href="https://www.neonataltrust.org.nz/about-us/world-prematurity-day-17th-november">here</a>.<br />
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<br />Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-66762392084977086352017-11-13T09:50:00.003+13:002018-09-08T09:03:59.877+12:00Finding our family's rhythm<div style="text-align: justify;">
Life has lost it's rhythm lately and instead has turned to speedy rushing with sudden stops and starts. </div>
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I've been feeling a bit lost, afloat, this year, trying to make family life work for us in a way that is not just rushing through life.</div>
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Our weeks have no consistency, which is mainly down to my work as a freelance NZSL interpreter and now, <a href="http://instagram.com/crumbscakerynz">caker</a>. The hours are flux and changing, which I knew when I got into both professions, but now with kids it is too hard to sustain.</div>
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Some weeks are rushed, 7am drop offs and 6pm pick ups, rushed pasta dinners, baking late into the evening. Other weeks we are at home, kids screaming at me, wishing I could get anything done around the house without a cling on, wishing I had a few hours escape at work. </div>
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We live at both extremes with no middle ground.</div>
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Weekends are supposed to be restful, but for us are at best, busy. Saturdays are taken up with food shopping and social plans that either Matt or I or the kids have. Sundays are busy with church, sometimes later on work, and fortnightly family get togethers. We often feel more tired after the weekends than before. There is rarely time to sit, to relax, to spend time in our home doing nothing much.</div>
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It is hard, because like most modern women, I want to do it all! I want to be a attentive fun mother, have a clean house, cook nourishing food for my kids, enjoy my time at work, to be a good friend, spend quality time with my husband and have a little down time to myself. One of the biggest challenges facing me and my friends, I believe, is understanding balance and limits and learning to push back when it all gets a bit too crazy.</div>
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So I am attempting to take control, to wrangle some routine into our messy lives. </div>
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Currently Ada is in daycare 3 days a week regardless of what work I do (she loves it) but Hunter is only in care when I am interpreting. Next year I am sending them both to daycare 3 days a week. I will only be working on those 3 days (with occasional exceptions). </div>
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This means we will have two weekdays a week, every week, me and the kids to spend time together, to go to playdates, to laze around the house (my idea of heaven).</div>
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If it's a daycare day and I have no interpreting or cakes booked then perhaps I WILL HAVE TIME ALONE TO MYSELF *this is almost too hard to fathom and extremely exciting*</div>
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Having kids changed everything, and I feel like I am still barely finding my footing as a mother. Taking back control and having more consistency may or may not work- but it's worth a shot.</div>
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I would love to hear any other ideas for making life with young kids slightly less crazy!</div>
Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-80583398187077201452017-06-26T20:55:00.000+12:002018-09-08T09:05:39.106+12:00Dear Hunter, at 10 months<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dear Hunter</div>
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From the very beginning you have been so different to your sister, and you have shown us that you are well and truly your own person.</div>
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In the early days I wrote a post about how <a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2016/09/its-different-this-time.html">you were an easy baby</a>, and the transition to two kids had been easier than I expected. I now realise that this is because you couldn't move yet!</div>
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Since about 6 months you have been on the go and you are full on in your exploration. You are constantly moving. You have no sense of danger and although our lounge/dining is baby proofed, you wear many bruises on your head at all times. You are clingy and and like to check that I am near- you climb on me and cry and need to be held, but then you want to get down, and then back up again, and then down and on it goes.</div>
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We were at the Plunket office the other day and the Plunket nurse said to me, as you tried to destroy everything in your reach, 'I'm tired just looking at you!'</div>
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You wake between 1-6 times a night (it's luck of the draw!) but usually 2 or 3, needing a full breastfeed and a cuddle. During the day you need to be fed all your meals (can't forget morning tea!) and you are constantly scavenging for food. I often find you with odd things in your mouth and have seen interesting things come out *ahem* the other end.</div>
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I treasure our sleepy cuddles as I feed you before bed. It's the only time you are still (and even then you are sometimes not.) You look up at me with a half smile and all the weariness of the day, of mothering a full on boy like you, it all fades. It wasn't so long ago you were my snuggly newborn and these feeds remind me of that.</div>
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You smile when you see me, and when I return from work you leap into my arms. You climb on your sister to give her grabby-hugs and giggle and smile at her with your adoring eyes. In the middle of the night you reach out for your Dad and his warm cuddles too as he rocks you back to sleep.</div>
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It was only a year ago I was heavily pregnant with you, with no idea what the future might bring. And now here you are, fully present and part of our family.</div>
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You are tiring and trouble and mischief.</div>
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You are life and loud and joy.</div>
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You are my lovely boy.</div>
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Mummy xx</div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-66433866774398470522017-04-16T21:15:00.000+12:002018-09-08T09:05:46.630+12:00Us<br />
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<i style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;">When two people love each other, they share their joy, multiply their hope</i></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><i style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">(words from a poem I wrote for our wedding.)</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;">Those early days after a first baby is born are a </span><span style="color: #222222;">pivotal</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"> point in a marriage. You turn from facing inwards towards each other, and open up the circle, to look down at another. You stare and are consumed by this new being, and by the time, weeks or months later, when you finally look up at each other again, everything is different. Months, years go by, and you add in another child, or two, and you are stretched further from each other as you welcome in more new life.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><i>They share their pain, divide their sorrow</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit;">We became parents in a rush, in a way </span><a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2014/01/our-baby-unexpected-arrival.html" style="background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit;">we weren't expecting</a><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: inherit;">. In the midst of chaos you were calmness. I finally got to see you as a father, and days after our first was born, I wrote this</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">"</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: inherit;">He is so in love with her, a sweet, caring, gentle love you've never seen from him before. His face lights up when he sees her, he is enamoured with his daughter. He holds you when you cry, showers you while you still have a catheter in and are not strong enough to stand, stays home to look after you in bed and bring you toast and tea.... He really is your knight."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;"><i>They walk alongside each other as they travel through life</i></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;">Since then </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;">I have seen you parent in many ways- exhausted, wiping snot, poo, vomit. Rocking babies, quieting tantrums, playing hide and seek. Coming home from a day at work, and resetting yourself in a matter of moments, ready for the kids to climb on you, grab at you, need you.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;"><i>When two people love each other, and hand in hand they vow their love, their is no tighter bond and none can break, weaken or fray it</i></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;">When we finally get time together, it is not like before. Not long languid evenings, or mornings to chat and eat. Not weekends with nothing to do but drink coffee and garden and snuggle.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;">No, now our moments are snippets. We look at each other wearily once the kids are in bed and the chores are done and....it's you. It's still you, the man I married. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;"><i>When two people love each other, they give all they have to the other, and step out into the beginning of their days</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;">Through the pregnancies and fears, through the births and unknown, through the </span></span><span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;">weariness and tears, the long nights and broken sleep, the monotony and </span><span style="color: #222222;">relentlessness</span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;">, toddler songs, dirty hands, baby slobber and wriggling nappy changes, through days at the park, days sick in bed, the summers the winters, the warmth and the cold, </span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: inherit; text-align: justify;">there you are.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;"><br /></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;">Before we were interlocked closely, only looking at each other. Now we are stretched, pulled, as we look at our children. Our hands are still interlocked and the ups and downs of life try to pull us apart. </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;">In those moments I feel your hands grip mine tightly. You are not letting go. Neither am I.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; text-align: justify;"><i>They rest in each others arms, and that love is their home</i></span></span></div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-24106038588738177902017-04-08T14:44:00.000+12:002018-09-08T09:05:56.542+12:00That bittersweet feeling of knowing you are done having babies.<div style="text-align: justify;">
The first months after Hunter was born, I longed for another baby. I was on fire, I was winning at montherhood with a toddler and a baby. I longed for him not to be my last.</div>
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Looking back, that was probably hormones, mixed with those 'easy days' of newborn life. Don't get me wrong- newborns aren't easy- but Hunter felt pretty easy in comparison to <a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2014/01/life-with-nicu-baby.html">Ada's newborn days</a>. I wasn't working, Ada was at care part time, we were given lots of meals and Hunter didn't require much more than snuggles and milk.</div>
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Since then, as Hunter has grown and become busier, as I've gone back to work and running a household, I have felt and immense stretch and have met the limits of my capacity nearly every day.</div>
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Practically, I could not imagine how I could cope with another child. Financially, mentally, emotionally we are stretched. And, any future pregnancy would also be <a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2016/05/ready-aim-fire.html">high risk and stressful</a>. I got through that with Hunter because I had no other option, but I am not sure I could voluntarily put myself through that again, not to mention that future pregnancies have been advised against by doctors.</div>
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We have two amazing kids, life is full and good, and we are done. It makes sense on so many levels.</div>
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But it's still bittersweet. Those last few weeks of pregnancy, a big belly and excitement on so many levels. It's gone. Those newborn days, tiredness, joy, love- they are done. Hunter is 8 months old now and with each milestone I am aware that this is the last time. </div>
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I read a blog once that said that when you know you are done with kids, that closes a youthful chapter of your life and puts you in the same category as your mother, grandmother, aunts: women who are finished having babies. It feels like a mixed blessing to be moving into that new category.</div>
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It's so exciting to see Hunter grow and gain new skills, become a wee person. It's also bittersweet- a funny combination of feelings.</div>
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Two kids is so right for us. So for now, I will continue to take many photos and videos of my kids, so I can look back as they get older. I will continue to hold my friends babies and celebrate their pregnancies with a certain wistfulness. I don't know if this bittersweet feeling will ever leave, but I'm using it to prompt me to soak in every good moment.</div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-28565172603288192162017-03-23T21:27:00.000+13:002018-09-08T09:06:04.711+12:00An Intentional life<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's been months since I've written. Actually that's not true- my blog feed is filled with un-published, half written posts. Perhaps thats symbolic of life right now. So busy and full and no time to sit and mull over ideas. Time only to get the crude ideas down and no time to refine. </div>
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This is a reflection of life generally. Somewhere between having no kids and having two, I've started living life on a 'minute by minute' basis. I do things, they have to be done, I work, I cook, I drive, I sleep, but none of it is done with much thought. It's like living on autopilot. </div>
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I've become so overwhelmed with multitasking to get everything done, that I never stop and pause to think of the 'why' behind everything.</div>
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Lately though, in those moments when I am feeding the baby to sleep, or have 5 minutes on my computer, I've been reading blogs from other mums about intentionality.</div>
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Intentionality comes out of the minimalism movement. The minimalism movement is based on the idea of controlling your 'stuff,' not letting your stuff control you. De-cluttering, getting better household systems, freeing up your time, mind, money and worry to focus on better things.</div>
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Out of this comes the idea of intentionality- doing things on purpose. With purpose. I've started incorporating this idea into different areas of my life</div>
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<b>Parenting</b></div>
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Recently Matt and I have been discussing the bigger picture of our parenting. Our vision for our kids, our values which we want to impart. For example, we want our kids to be self disciplined. At this age, (3) that means encouraging Ada to do some of her own care- putting her shoes away, brushing her own teeth and doing her own toileting. We want our kids to be kind, this means being kind ourselves and showing kindness in action.</div>
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There is still so much more I want to think and mull over here, but the irony is that parenting means I'm so busy I barely have time to. I do want to make this a priority, as I've found that having a clear 'big picture' can help in those trying 'little moment' times.</div>
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<b>Finance</b></div>
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The biggest area of change for us has been finance. I'm not going to get into too many details, but last year because of the way our bank accounts were set up with our mortgage, we couldn't really see how much money we had left till pay day, this resulted in overspending.</div>
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We asked out broker to change our accounts so we can clearly see how much money we have. This has resulted in much better finances! I've also started reading <a href="https://www.daveramsey.com/baby-steps/">Dave Ramsay's baby steps</a> and thinking about the future of our finances, rather than just living week to week.</div>
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Money is so tight with two kids and a mortgage, and now is the best time for us to start being careful with every dollar. I am trying to cut down on needless spending. A friend had a good saying. 'Every dollar costs you three dollars. The dollar you spend, the dollar you have to earn to get back to where you were before spending, and the dollar you need to earn to get ahead of where you were.'</div>
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This certainly helped me think more carefully about money- especially those small purchases like coffee or chocolate milk (total addict to milk here!)</div>
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<b>Food</b></div>
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We want to be more frugal and clever with our eating- throwing away less food. It's almost impossible to achieve this at the moment, with a 7 month old who loves to try food but doesn't always eat it and a 3 year old with a varying appetite. I guess we recognise that food waste is at an all time high right now, but this will change.</div>
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I'm aiming to be more intentional with leftovers- using them instead of chucking them (the book '<a href="https://www.amazon.com/River-Cottage-Love-Your-Leftovers/dp/140886925X">Love your leftovers</a>' has helped me be creative around this.)</div>
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I meal plan every week so we can budget and get the exact food we need. I have even made a spreadsheet of 'cheap/easy, easy/gourmet, gourmet/slow, cheap/slow' meals (!!) so we can have a balance of food quality through the week.</div>
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As for lunches, I am trying to make sure that we all eat well. It's so easy to pack a lunchbox with peanut butter sandwiches, popcorn and fruit. But I am trying to be more creative. I don't have heaps of time so I try and cook some lunch food while making dinner. This week our lunches (adults and kids) have included <a href="http://www.mykidslickthebowl.com/blog/2015/2/27/banana-oat-pikelets">banana oat pikelets</a>, <a href="http://kidgredients.com.au/baked-pancake-bites-gluten-free-option-refined-sugar-free/">baked pikelets</a>, chicken sausage rolls, <a href="http://chelseawinter.co.nz/triple-chocolate-brownies/">chocolate brownie</a> (side note, these are the BEST brownies, and I've tried a lot, second side note, the baby did not get this in his lunch) and fried rice cakes (made with leftovers- win win!).</div>
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I follow a lot of kid cooks on Facebook for ideas, and I have a chart of ideas on the back of our pantry door, to give me inspiration.</div>
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For dinner- we are not able to eat as a family, as Matt is home too late, but like lunch I try to cook the kids something healthy, yet easy (I can't be bothered cooking two separate full meals!). I try and freeze little portions of meals for dinners, or I whip up something quick like an omelet with noodles, courgette and chicken.</div>
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<b>Household</b></div>
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A lot of what I have mentioned above comes into this category. Setting up household systems (meal planning, lunches made the night before, clothes ready to go etc), to intentionally make life simpler and less rushed. I am always looking for new <a href="http://alliecasazza.com/blog/how-to-get-more-done-stay-at-home-moms">rhythms</a> (it's the cool new term in the minimalism world) to make our family life easier. My new area of interest is <a href="http://alliecasazza.com/blog/how-to-own-organize-your-day-with-time-blocking">time blocking</a>- I'm hoping to use my time more effectively, but this is so new I can't write about it yet.</div>
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Under household is the area of clutter (where the concept of minimalism was born). I am constantly looking at areas of clutter and mess in our homes and asking if these items are really worthy of space in our home. I often take a boot load of items to the second hand shop. I am not following a specific program like <a href="http://tidyingup.com/">Kon Marie</a>, but taking it slower. I would love an instantly clutter free house but I simply don't have the time! So bit by bit we go.</div>
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Clothing comes under this heading too and I have written a post on <a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/">kids capsule wardrobes-</a> this has made life so much easier, and I have been able to be so much smarter with buying winter clothes for the kids.</div>
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<b>Work</b></div>
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I work as a freelancer, so I can accept as much or as little work as I like. I am also constantly getting texts, emails, messages and calls about work when I am at home. In the past, pre kids, the only consideration around accepting work was 'am I free at that time?' </div>
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Now it's 'am I free?' </div>
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'will that make a crazy busy week even busier, with more time in care for the kids?' </div>
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'Is it worth getting everyone out of the house at 7.15am to arrive at work for a 1 hour job at 9am?,' 'Was last week busy, and would it be fair to put my kids in car again for lots of hours this week?'</div>
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Basically I am trying to be more intentional and mindful of my family (especially my baby!) when accepting work. I also need to set up better systems in terms of not needing to check or be on my phone all day in regards to work. I am still thinking on this one! Perhaps only checking work related messages twice a day?</div>
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<b>Phone/Technology</b></div>
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This is a biggie, and the area I am definitely least intentional in. I keep having thoughts that I need to really make some decision around how much I use my phone or my laptop, but I have yet to get time to really sit down and make myself some boundaries. I get so little down time that when I do I often end up mindlessly scrolling facebook or instagram. This is not how I want to spend my time and I know I need to be more intentional.</div>
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I have re read this post and it reads like a mash up of half thought out ideas- which is totally where I am at right now, so I'm going to leave it as it is. I hope this post will be something I can look back on as a beginning time in my thinking around intentionality. I also hope this post is helpful to others who are feeling frantic and busy with no time to actually think about the 'why.'</div>
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Some blogs that I have read and found really useful in this area are:</div>
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http://alliecasazza.com/</div>
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http://www.becomingminimalist.com/</div>
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https://nosidebar.com/</div>
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(They are great and explain the heart of minimalism, rather than the 'aesthetic' of extreme minimalism that is also popular, but unattainable.)</div>
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Here are some of the kid recipe Facebook pages I follow:</div>
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/kidgredients/?fref=ts">Kidgredients</a></div>
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/mykidslickthebowl/?fref=ts">My Kids Lick the Bowl</a></div>
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/Thelittlekiwilunchbox/?fref=ts">The Little Kiwi Lunch Box</a></div>
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<a href="https://www.facebook.com/therustyskillet/?fref=ts">The Rusty Skillet by Bonnie DeGros</a></div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-64884065251712545532017-02-01T18:26:00.000+13:002018-09-08T09:06:12.387+12:00Tips for a capsule wardrobe for kids<div style="text-align: justify;">
<b>What is a capsule wardrobe?</b></div>
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Capsule wardrobes are <a href="http://theeverygirl.com/how-to-create-a-capsule-wardrobe">all</a> <a href="http://www.businessinsider.com.au/capsule-wardrobe-experiment-2016-4?r=US&IR=T#/#-1">the</a> <a href="http://www.un-fancy.com/capsule-experiment/">rage</a> right now. The goal behind them is to declutter your wardrobe, which makes it easier to pick outfits- as all your pieces should go together. It also means you think about your 'style' a lot more, meaning any pieces you do buy are more intentional. Then you end up with less 'random' pieces in your wardrobe that never get worn (I am so guilty of this.)</div>
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I've been doing a capsule wardrobe for myself for only about a month now, but it has made getting dressed much easier! In that time, I've had to buy one item (my only pair of jeans ripped!!) and instead of going for my usual bargain hunt, or two for one deal, I bought one good pair of quality jeans. Time will tell, of course, whether spending more upfront is worth it down the track, but I think it will be. I would rather have one pair of quality jeans than 3 of cheaper ones which go baggy at the knees in a few weeks (the worst!).</div>
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<b>Why a kids capsule?</b></div>
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I wanted to make getting dressed easier for Ada. She is getting to the age of wanting to pick her own clothes, so I wanted to have outfits that go together easily.</div>
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<b>The situation</b></div>
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Ada has a full wardrobe, drawers, and a 60l box of clothes that could currently fit her, for all four seasons. Then there is a box for size 4 and 5! (but I am not focusing on those boxes at the moment.)</div>
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We have been so blessed to receive many hand me downs. I also tend to buy items on sale for the next season. Add to that those 'can't resist, it's so cute!' items, and she has a LOT of clothes in differing styles.</div>
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Now, if you are doing a capsule wardrobe like many other bloggers, you will start from scratch and buy a whole new wardrobe of clothes for your kid. The benefit of this is that you can buy pieces that go together seamlessly. But of course, this doesn't really gel well with the minimilist lifestyle values which the capsule wardrobe has emerged from.</div>
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For me, my goal is to spend no (or very little) money. We've got to work with what we've got, which means it's not going to be a 'perfect' capsule wardrobe- and that's ok.</div>
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<b>The steps to a kids capsule wardrobe</b></div>
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<b>Step 1</b>- Choose 2 or 3 of your favourite items of clothing for your child. For Ada, I chose 3 of my favourite pieces for her. I decided to choose the rest of the items based on these colours</div>
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<b>Step 2</b>- Think about patterns. <a href="http://mykidscapsule.com/include-prints-kids-capsule-wardrobe/">This blogger</a> talks about how she builds prints into her capsule- she adds prints into one of three sections- tops and dresses, layering pieces (coats, cardigans) or bottoms</div>
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I love this blogger and her philosophy. She is building a wardrobe from scratch though, so she can buy items with patterns in just one category easily.</div>
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Working with what we already have is a bit trickier, but I aimed to just have patterns in tops and dresses.</div>
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<b>Step 3</b>- Think about the weather. Here in Wellington it's summer (you wouldn't really know it though!). So I added a few short and long sleeve tees, and a few dresses. All of these items can be layered for colder or hotter days. If it had been a truly hot summer here, I would have chosen more short sleeve items.</div>
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<b>Step 4</b>- Think about where your kid is at. Ada has just toilet trained and can take herself to the toilet (wohoo!!) this ruled out all the jumpsuits and dungarees, as toilet access needs to be easy.</div>
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Ada doesn't get into too much mess at daycare, so can just have one wardrobe for all occasions. A lot of kids tend to ruin their clothes at daycare though. In this case I would suggest two mini capsules- a 'playing' one and a 'good clothes' one. Many items like coats or tights may cross the two collections. Keeping both capsules in different areas, or separate drawers will help with dressing your child.</div>
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<b>Step 5</b>- Go for it- pick your items! This is the most fun part. As you can see in the capsule below, I started with a base of orange colours. However, Ada has a lot of pink, in necessary items (like cardigans) so I have added some pink too. Greys and blues were added for neutral colours. In the process I discovered Ada had about 5 long sleeve grey tops, and the same for blue. She doesn't need that many! I was able to put away a lot of redundant clothing.</div>
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We also had a lot of 'random' pieces in her drawers. These would be the ones I pulled out, then searched for that one pair of leggings they go with. Those leggings were in the wash, so I stuffed that item back in the drawer, and in reality it was never worn. These random pieces were easy to remove from her wardrobe.</div>
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I didn't focus on a certain number of clothes. I preferred to focus on a few of each category of clothing. You may look at Ada's capsule and think it's still a very big amount of clothes. Each childs wardrobe will be different, and I am looking forward to refining Ada's wardrobe, and seeing if we truly need this many clothes as we move into the winter capsule.</div>
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<b>Step 6</b>- Involving your child. Ada is a little young at this point to care about her clothing. I imagine in the coming months or years she will want to be involved in this process. Ask your child about their favourite items of clothing, or colours, and go from there.</div>
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<b>What's next?</b></div>
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Now that I have begun this process I think it will make buying clothes, and sorting through hand me downs a lot easier! Once you have a clear vision of colour, style and pattern, you can immediately know whether a piece of clothing will fit in the wardrobe. This will save you money in the long run!</div>
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I am aiming to review Ada's capsule every season, or every time she has a growth spurt, so a few times a year.</div>
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I hope this post has been helpful! I'm at the beginning of doing this too so I would love to hear any tips you might have</div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-19489423210128401822017-01-10T20:54:00.000+13:002018-09-08T09:06:19.426+12:00ThreeToday Ada is three!<br />
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I have felt a sense of wonder and nostelgia at every one of her birthdays so far, and I'm beginning to think that feeling is going to stick around at every birthday.<br />
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It must be so common for mothers to reminisce, to look back at how far their child has come in the past year, and then to look forward and wonder about the next at birthdays.<br />
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In her third year Ada has grown so much. Most noticeably in her language- when she turned two we were still on basic toddler conversations, these days we can converse in much more depth. Most nights Matt puts Ada to bed now, as I am seeing to Hunter, but I like to pop down when I can and chat to her. We talk about the day that has come, then talk about what tomorrow will hold, then say a prayer. I love these conversations- I can see her brain whirring, and it is lovely to talk to her about real life things.<br />
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Ada has grown in size too. She never had much baby fat, but she has slimmed out even more (if that was even possible) and now looks like a pre schooler, not a toddler. She has gained some good weight and height this year, and she feels heavy when I hold her. She is long and gangly and full of spirited energy.<br />
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My snuggly cuddles with her are few and far between now, so when I do get one I hold on tight- even if it is straight after a nap so she is a little sweaty. My little girl is fast becoming a big girl- and while it's my joy to see her grow, I still want time to slow down, to hold her a little more.<br />
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Ada is such an outgoing and friendly girl. She was always like this, but starting daycare this year, plus having people in and out of our home for airbnb has brought out this trait in her so much more. She is a friend to everyone.<br />
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She is also capable of great independent play, which has been a lifesaver with a newborn baby around. She is content and happy in her own company.<br />
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Like all kids we have our battles and struggles, but overall she is the sweetest girl. We are so blessed to be her parents. And proud as ever of her on today, her third birthday.<br />
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Happy birthday Ada, my sweet girl! We love you more than you will ever know. Enjoy being 3 xxxJennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-76731128168185980192016-10-09T09:17:00.000+13:002018-09-08T09:06:27.159+12:00In a dark room<br />
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I feel like I spend the majority of my life in a dark room. The blackout curtains are closed, white noise is blasted, the baby is swaddled tightly and fed and I'm trying to get him to sleep.</div>
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Or, it's the middle of the night, I sleepily wake up and I hear the familiar squawks and sighs which escalate into 'I'm hungry!' cries. I switch on the very dimmed light, look at my phone and sigh and want to cry- he's only been asleep 1 or 2 hours and he's hungry AGAIN.</div>
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It's daytime again and it's time for his nap but because I was distracted with the toddler (the other small child has needs too), he is overtired. I am rocking and shh-ing in the dark room, all the while the toddler is running in and out wanting attention too.</div>
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Friends tell me their babies woke 2 hourly until they were one or two. I inwardly shudder and feel sick at the thought of that long without sleep. Other friends with babies the same age share that their baby 'slept through!' or 'slept 7-3am!' I am happy for them and wistfully remember that one time he slept 6 hours. What a dream.</div>
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Everything we could try, we have tried. We have got him onto a good daytime routine with the help of a sleep consultant, but that has hardly improved the night wakes. The routine says 'feed at 10pm, then baby will sleep till 4 or 5am.' Yea right!</div>
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We've tried to 'resettle between sleep cycles' to the high heavens, I've whispered 'shhhhh' more than I care to remember lately. Dummy, bottle, burping- tried it.</div>
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We've seen a lactation consultant who has helped teach me how to get him to feed better, and to get the fattier milk, to help him sleep longer. It hasn't helped much. </div>
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Even though I know it's ridiculous, I nostalgically remember when the toddler was a baby. She was tube fed, and my memory takes away all the bad bits, and reminds me how we could feed her in her sleep, make sure she was completely full, and she would sleep through! Oh those days....</div>
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I know it's bad when I'm remembering that time fondly.</div>
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I'm so tired and focused on the routine that even when I have an opportunity to socialise, I just don't have the mental strength. This just furthers the 'hermit' feeling I have. I can't talk to 'real people' right now- my brain is too fuzzy with sleep routines and tiredness. I wish I had an interest in the wider world but right now I can't comprehend it.</div>
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And so, I'm just another sleep deprived mother, writing about sleep deprived woes. I know this will pass, but I also know sleep dep (see, I know it so well I even have a short name for it) is used as a form of torture. And I can see why. Signing off now, time for another coffee.</div>
Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-24255410620839228152016-09-02T15:50:00.000+12:002016-09-02T15:50:28.677+12:00It's different, this time<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: inherit;">I've read a few articles and seen discussions online about whether it is easier to go from no kids to one kid, or from one to two.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Well, a month in, I've gotta say that going from one to two has been much easier for me than the first time around!</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">That's not to say it isn't hard. Sleep deprivation, no time to rest like with the first, juggling toddler energy with newborn needs, it can be a real struggle. Yesterday I barely managed to eat lunch. Sometimes I feel like I've got octopus arms as I focus simultaneously on a baby who refuses to latch and a toddler who might wee on the floor at any moment. My attention span is short as I'm constantly trying to keep up with what is needed in the moment. I try and do bits of housework in the spare minutes I have between tending to my kids, so nothing is ever finished. I won't tell you how many times I stopped and started writing this post.</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Juggling two. This is my life now.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">But my stress levels are way down, my expectations are more realistic and my emotions are much more in check this time, leading to an easier experience all around.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">One of the most challenging aspects of parenting, first time around, was my feeling of purposelessness as my days changed from work, adult interactions and goals achieved, to a baby on a 3 hour feeding cycle, <a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2014/06/long-term.html">with medical issues</a> that didn't seem to be getting better. It seemed like I'd be stuck in the roundabout of newborn days forever.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">This time I'm much more used to spending time at home, and bringing my own purpose to my days. I'm also much more aware that things will change, and these newborn days don't last too long.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Also, Hunter seems to be a *whispers*<i> easy baby</i>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Gosh, I know you're never supposed to admit that. Perhaps he is easy in comparison to the<a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2014/03/the-motherhood.html"> early days with Ada</a>. Perhaps it's in contrast to the <a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2016/07/dear-ada-life-at-2-and-half.html">full on and emotional world of a two year old</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">All I know is that, so far, his needs seem pretty simple and he is not hard to please. He feeds well and generally self settles. He is gaining weight like a champ and is very healthy. He does wake every 1-3 hours in the night, but I can cope with that as I know it's just a stage.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I am finding my capacity to parent two kids is bigger than I thought. Two months ago I wrote<a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2016/06/terrified.html"> these words:</a></span></div>
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<i style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">I am completely terrified of being a mum to two small children. I love my kids, but I am not one of those natural mum material types....</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><i style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">When thinking about the months ahead, about adding a baby to the mix, I am equal parts excited and terrified. How can I share my time and love fairly between two kids? How can I be the mum they both need? I don't know at this point.</i></span></div>
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We're only one month in, and I'm aware the road ahead is up and down, but I've surprised myself with my capacity to manage, to love, to parent two kids at once. It's not quite the big drama I thought it might be.</span><br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-h4RBQdfzIVg/V8j0M2HvnqI/AAAAAAAAf78/0RX_HN4blOQLyW2qp-NhbIKb9wQVzkEEACKgB/s1600/IMG_20160901_140830.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-h4RBQdfzIVg/V8j0M2HvnqI/AAAAAAAAf78/0RX_HN4blOQLyW2qp-NhbIKb9wQVzkEEACKgB/s320/IMG_20160901_140830.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Rocking it at the park with two kids like a bad ass. Please note, copious amounts of coffee was consumed to make this happen</td></tr>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">It helps that Ada is a lovely big sister. We weren't quite sure how she would react, but she is </span></span><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">incredibly</span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;"> kind and loving with Hunter- always kissing and cuddling him. She can be a bit rough as she doesn't know his limits, but it's all done with love. She has had moment of adjusting to having less attention from us, but overall she is handling it better than I ever could have expected.</span></span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-spJdhruAvmM/V8j0W8muDRI/AAAAAAAAf8A/McADvGZKSKc3MelMCFOth-L3XMk5VUfvwCKgB/s1600/IMG_20160828_093233.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-spJdhruAvmM/V8j0W8muDRI/AAAAAAAAf8A/McADvGZKSKc3MelMCFOth-L3XMk5VUfvwCKgB/s320/IMG_20160828_093233.jpg" width="256" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A kind and caring sister</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I make an effort everyday to get up in time to get a quick shower, to pop on a little makeup and a bit of colour on my lips. Getting dressed and feeling 'presentable' makes me feel like I can take on any challenge the day throws at me. Being in my pj's at midday doesn't give quite the same sense of empowerment.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I'm well aware that in the months ahead, things could become more challening than they are now. I'm anticipating some sibling struggles once Hunter is mobile and into Ada's toys. However, I am much more confident in my ability as a Mum than I was 2.5 years ago with Ada's arrival. I also know, despite my worries about how I parent them, that they will be ok.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">I've been constantly marvelling at how this experience with Hunter has been different to that with Ada's. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Ada made me a Mum. She made me strong and taught me fierce love and protectiveness. She taught me to fight and be brave.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Hunter has introduced me to a side of motherhood I was never sure I'd see. Enjoying things more 'naturally,' appreciating every moment of this placid wee guy. He is teaching me to relax and be confident as a mother.</span></div>
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<span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">Here's to mothers of two (or more!) everywhere. It's a struggle, but also a joy and I'm so </span></span><span style="color: #222222;"><span style="font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;">grateful</span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: 15.4px; line-height: 21.56px;"> to be on this crazy ride.</span></span></div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-30061765034917518872016-08-09T19:52:00.001+12:002016-08-25T17:21:36.671+12:00Hunter: Birth Story<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
<span style="text-align: justify;">As with <a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2014/01/our-baby-unexpected-arrival.html">Ada's birth</a>, I'd like to get the details down of what happened while it's still fresh in my mind!</span></div>
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<span style="text-align: justify;">I love reading her birth story and I'm sure I will love looking back on this.</span></div>
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This contains pictures of his birth, but nothing graphic :)</div>
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<b><i>The weeks before</i></b></div>
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In the weeks leading up to Hunter's birth, I wasn't quite sure when or how he was going to be born. His weight was starting to drop centiles, my blood pressure was slowly starting to rise and the placenta was showing signs of calcification (ageing). </div>
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At my 36 week appointment I met with a Dr who I affectionately called 'Dr Doom' later on to my friends. She told me things were not looking so good, so I was to be monitored every 2 days, with a scan at 37 weeks for a new plan. She said it was likely I'd be induced then. She also has some very cheery words about how birth and pregnancy are the most dangerous times in a woman's life, and did I know 100 years ago I'd be dead by now? (Yes, I did actually, but thanks.) Not the best bedside manner for a fully pregnant woman.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-X8xDIxYKPWU/V6lB_D-20-I/AAAAAAAAfF8/RvGsxUHjbfoZauj8VUvPKxdTMIldFkdXgCKgB/s1600/20160719_080936.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-X8xDIxYKPWU/V6lB_D-20-I/AAAAAAAAfF8/RvGsxUHjbfoZauj8VUvPKxdTMIldFkdXgCKgB/s400/20160719_080936.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">36 weeks pregnant</td></tr>
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Therefore I went into the 37 week appointment expecting to be told that baby was to come out soon. In fact I started to want this too- safer out than in once they are full term. However, some sort of miscommunication happened, and I only saw a midwife instead of an obstetrician. The midwife told me things look fine, and they'd see me in a week, maybe? I left the appointment crying because I was so confused and worried about my baby. I had gone from monitoring every 2 days to nothing.</div>
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I rang my community midwife and explained my confusion. She told me that if I wanted to be induced, I could, it was my decision. This is an extremely tough decision to put on a pregnant mother though, as there are risks with inductions too and I did not want to make that decision myself.</div>
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Thankfully, later that night, my actual obstetrician called me. She had reviewed my notes and scans and said they would like to induce me in a weeks time, with every 2 day monitoring before that. I felt such relief to have a plan and a real sense of peace that this was the right thing to do.</div>
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<b><i>The induction</i></b></div>
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Matt and I arrived at the hospital on induction morning with nervous anticipation. Because of my previous cesarean section, there were certain induction methods they could not use. Induction after cesarean must be gentle because there is a risk of rupture on the scar.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Myu9pnEhhSs/V6lCMT5wTWI/AAAAAAAAfGA/cXH7fRda1pg-9zo2xhQw5yj81SCBUwYzQCKgB/s1600/Snapchat-4833536518644856960.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Myu9pnEhhSs/V6lCMT5wTWI/AAAAAAAAfGA/cXH7fRda1pg-9zo2xhQw5yj81SCBUwYzQCKgB/s400/Snapchat-4833536518644856960.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Excited on induction morning</td></tr>
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The first step was a <a href="https://www.verywell.com/what-is-a-foley-catheter-induction-of-labor-2758962">foley catheter</a>, which is left in for up to 24 hours to get things started more gently and hopefully start contractions. I got the catheter and then sent Matt to work, as it's not a quick thing, and it's better to use his annual leave after the birth. I walked and walked around the hospital to get things going and met with some friends. In the afternoon I was moved out of my delivery room to a depressing post natal room because they needed the room for deliveries and 'you're not going to be having baby anytime soon!'</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lw5z2GVsSpU/V6lCMdPIbfI/AAAAAAAAfGA/S2b6RZojUckUgp15m6GAlsxNYOEoz_CKwCKgB/s1600/Snapchat-8364921511939016722.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-lw5z2GVsSpU/V6lCMdPIbfI/AAAAAAAAfGA/S2b6RZojUckUgp15m6GAlsxNYOEoz_CKwCKgB/s400/Snapchat-8364921511939016722.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Excitement lead to walking....</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BvxW6TjluP8/V6lCMbNiN8I/AAAAAAAAfGA/NwU4K6QnOgMUnXwn_OsDiG8rfy4jtSAgQCKgB/s1600/Snapchat-1551952363292979450.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-BvxW6TjluP8/V6lCMbNiN8I/AAAAAAAAfGA/NwU4K6QnOgMUnXwn_OsDiG8rfy4jtSAgQCKgB/s400/Snapchat-1551952363292979450.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">...and boredom</td></tr>
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So, the foley didn't work and I spent the night in hospital trying to get some sleep and anticipating the plan the next day.</div>
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The following morning they took the foley out and broke my waters (oh my gosh, so much fluid, everywhere) and started a syntocin drip to get contractions going. My friends who had been induced this way told me it can get very painful very quickly, so I anticipated this. In reality, it took a good few hours of very light contractions before things started to take off. It was actually a bit boring, and Matt and I watched Netflix, played on our phones and so on. At this point my midwife checked me and I had dilated 3cm so this was good progress!!</div>
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The contractions really ramped up at this point, and for the following 4 hours they became worse and worse. I was able to handle it with breathing and moving around. It was really hard but I was mentally strong with my goal in mind.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tAFx1ouneC4/V6lCVBg6RzI/AAAAAAAAfGE/wf4mGEWy0N4tJbVJFqnPP7hT034eKJBQwCKgB/s1600/20160804_162332.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-tAFx1ouneC4/V6lCVBg6RzI/AAAAAAAAfGE/wf4mGEWy0N4tJbVJFqnPP7hT034eKJBQwCKgB/s400/20160804_162332.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'm smiling but I'm in a lot of pain! Note the vomit bucket :o</td></tr>
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After 4 hours they checked dilation again. You see, with an induced birth you need to keep making progress as there is only so much of the syntocin drip they can give you before it becomes risky. Unfortunately at this point I had not progressed any further. I was so upset- 4 hours of hard work for nothing.</div>
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My midwife and obstetrician talked and decided at that point I needed a cesarean. I had done my research around induction and I agreed this was the best plan of action too. But, I was so upset. I had thought I was doing well. Thoughts of 'my body failing again' were whirring round. Memories of Ada's not so nice cesarean were at front of mind. I was still having contractions at this point but I not longer had the mental strength and they were almost unbearable. I was frustrated and teary.</div>
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My midwife hugged me and said the best thing anyone could at that point 'it will be ok, this is not a repeat of Ada's birth.' </div>
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<i><b>The birth</b></i></div>
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We very quickly prepared for the cesarean. I had a plan which I had given to my midwife in case of cesarean. It requested a few things that we missed with Ada, such as having the drape down to see baby being born, and immediate skin to skin (instead of taking him off to be weighed and so on.) She passed these requests onto the obstetrician.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qH6-YqGMqPs/V6lCcaJKQYI/AAAAAAAAfGI/9CPuT9_5t4cm6CSNyJJ6aZWNEelQZ9kQwCKgB/s1600/20160804_173923.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-qH6-YqGMqPs/V6lCcaJKQYI/AAAAAAAAfGI/9CPuT9_5t4cm6CSNyJJ6aZWNEelQZ9kQwCKgB/s400/20160804_173923.jpg" width="225" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ready to go</td></tr>
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4vfDgl0kmUg/V6lCcY_E1tI/AAAAAAAAfGI/rrxOLgQGMJUABrR4Gj9oQB9V3iMPgsQEwCKgB/s1600/20160804_181853.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-4vfDgl0kmUg/V6lCcY_E1tI/AAAAAAAAfGI/rrxOLgQGMJUABrR4Gj9oQB9V3iMPgsQEwCKgB/s400/20160804_181853.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>
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Before we knew it, I was in the theatre, bending over awkwardly, shaking with nerves while they put the epidural in. Lying down on the table, a deadweight, lines and monitors and people all around. It didn't take long before they were doing the operation and very quickly it was time to put down the drape. I was slightly nervous about seeing too much blood and gore (as was Matt!) because seeing yourself cut open is not the nicest thing. However, I didn't see much of that at all. We saw baby emerge and the obstetrition held him as they did delayed cord clamping. I was crying with awe, and in that moment, all of my frustrations about having a ceserean melted away. I saw my baby be born and he was crying a very strong and loud cry.</div>
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y6K6H38aGvw/V6lClOsl24I/AAAAAAAAfGM/t1QUvsXLr7MO50_B_h-pVDwFDsCzZeIYACKgB/s1600/20160804_184509.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-y6K6H38aGvw/V6lClOsl24I/AAAAAAAAfGM/t1QUvsXLr7MO50_B_h-pVDwFDsCzZeIYACKgB/s400/20160804_184509.jpg" width="225" /></a></div>
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A few seconds later he was placed on my chest. He felt so big, and strong and newborny to me. He cried on and off and I just felt so grateful to be able to hold him straight away. </div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The best moment ever!</td></tr>
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When I was closed up they wheeled us to recovery and he latched straight away. He was born to feed and knew exactly what he was doing. What a relief!</div>
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His birth was actually very healing for me after Ada's birth. All my fears of not seeing or holding or feeding my baby again were washed away. I am so grateful to have had that 'normal' newborn experience this time.</div>
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I was in the hospital with him for 3 nights, and then I decided 'I've got this' and asked to be discharged. Coming home together, as a family was also a pivotal moment! It was so lovely not to leave the hospital empty handed this time.</div>
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We have been home a few days now with Hunter and it is truly a different experience to the days after Ada was born. I am so grateful to be able to experience this newborn stage in all it's mundane and tiring 'normality.'<br />
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Welcome to our family Hunter, we love you so much.</div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-24896718370821877542016-08-02T12:08:00.000+12:002016-08-02T12:11:30.046+12:00Dear Baby Boy: The day before we meet you<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dear baby,</div>
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Today I am 38 weeks pregnant with you, and tomorrow I will be induced. You will be born tomorrow, or in the next few days.</div>
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Today, I am a ball of nervous, excited and emotional anticipation. I'm sure by the time you can read this you will know all about <a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2014/01/our-baby-unexpected-arrival.html">your sisters arrival</a>. My pregnancy with you has been so different, and for that I am so grateful.</div>
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I don't know what will happen, or how exactly you will be born, but I do know this: you are strong (your big kicks show it), and you are a true miracle to have made it this far. I know I will have you in my arms on the day you are born, and for that I cannot wait.</div>
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You have given me huge kicks, and a big belly, you've given me days and weeks of pregnancy I never had before, and you've given me time to enjoy the 'normal' end of a pregnancy. The strangers asking when I'm due, if I'm having a boy or a girl, secretly I've loved it all.</div>
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I am filled with nerves about your arrival into our family, but I know this is a normal feeling! We've been able to prepare for your arrival in a way that we never could for your sister, and that has been healing for me.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Your bassinet, ready in our room</td></tr>
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Because of my pregnancy with your sister, I have been closely monitored for all of your pregnancy. This has meant I've seen your sweet face on scans more times than I can count, and heard your heartbeat on numerous occasions.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Monitoring your heartbeat yesterday</td></tr>
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Today, I have been doing last minute preparations for your arrival. Packing your hospital bag and looking at the sweet wee clothes you will soon be wearing.<br />
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Today I am enjoying my last moments of pregnancy, as it is unlikely your Dad and I will have any more children. I'm treasuring you in my belly.</div>
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Today, like every day in my pregnancy with you, I whisper prayer over you</div>
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<i>Thankyou God for my boy, my fighter, my miracle. Thankyou for his life. I pray my son will grow to know you and to be a strong, courageous and kind boy. Thankyou for the joy he has already brought to our lives and that he is yet to bring.</i><br />
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We love you so much already, my boy. We've been waiting to meet you for 9 long months and now the time is here. </div>
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I will see you soon xx</div>
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Mummy</div>
Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-66231645714155394982016-07-25T15:40:00.000+12:002016-08-02T12:11:41.278+12:00Dear Ada- life at 2 and a half<div style="text-align: justify;">
Dear Ada,</div>
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I am writing you this letter as you play independently and quietly (the best kind of playing ;) ), while I sit on the couch in the sun.</div>
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I'm heavily pregnant with your baby brother, and because of that I've been thinking a lot about you recently, about how life is going to change for you, about how I want to treasure and soak up these last moments of you as my only child.</div>
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So far, I have loved seeing you as a two year old. You have more sass and attitude for sure, but along with that comes a lot more language and understanding.</div>
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The other day the groceries arrived, I exclaimed 'oh that's so annoying!' </div>
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'What's wrong mummy?' you said, with concern written all over your face.</div>
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'Two of the eggs are smashed!' I said</div>
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'Oh no mummy, I sorry,' you said.</div>
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Or when I wince and twinge from pregnancy pains. 'What's wrong mummy?'</div>
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'Oh, my tummy is a wee bit sore.'</div>
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So you kiss it better, 'all better mummy!'</div>
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Those tiny moments of sweetness melt my heart.</div>
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I love seeing you being compassionate. And I love the joy in your face when you exclaim 'I fix it!' or 'Ada did it!,' with such pride. You are learning new skills and rightfully proud of yourself for it.</div>
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You can sing ABC's and twinkle twinkle with conviction. You can count to 10 (although you often miss six), and you love to draw, sing and dance.</div>
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You do struggle to share your toys with others, something which is probably very normal for your age and your only child status. We try and guide you to be kind and considerate and we see wee glimmers of understanding and empathy. I know the next few months might be rough for you as you lose your place as our only child, and I hope we can guide you through it well. I know in the long run you will absolutely love having a brother.</div>
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You can be stubborn and cheeky sometimes. You don't throw epic tantrums like you used to, however you do know how to act the drama queen sometimes, with a furrowed brow and wily look. Your Dad and I are secretly laughing although we try not to show it.</div>
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I love that we understand your language now (well most of the time!). We are working on your often demanding tone, and manners, and seeing you learn these skills is very rewarding. I can now sit you down and explain things to you, and you seem to get it. Being able to communicate like this makes life a lot easier!</div>
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We tried you in a bed, but you liked to come up the stairs many times during the night. So we put the cot back up. You love being back in your cot, and insist the sides stay up. You must feel very safe snuggled in your wee coccoon. Perhaps it reminds you of the incubator in NICU and the feeling of safety you got there? Either way, you've taught us that you're not ready for that big move yet, that what makes you feel safe is important too.</div>
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There is so much more I could write about you Ada, but I will stop there because you are bringing me ALL the books to read. And after that it will be nap time.</div>
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You're such a sweet and clever toddler, full of life.</div>
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Your Daddy and I love you so much <3 <3</div>
Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-21684178180093681282016-07-13T12:18:00.000+12:002016-07-13T12:18:33.833+12:00Baby Update<div style="text-align: justify;">
So it appears I posted a rather vague update on Facebook last week (whoops!) and since have had people messaging me to see if baby and I are ok.</div>
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We are!</div>
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Last week I had a scan which showed that baby is not growing quite as well as he has been. Phrases like IUGR (Inter-uterine growth restriction- Ada had this) and SGA (small for gestational age) were thrown around, along with the possibility of baby coming a little earlier than he might want to. At the time I was quite upset about this possibility. A 35/36 weeker is nothing compared to Ada's birth at 30 weeks, however it could mean baby needs time in Special Care, which would mean being separated from my baby at birth- something I feel quite strongly about NOT experiencing this time.</div>
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However, by talking it through with my lovely friends and family, as well as praying and mulling it all over, I have been able to process and come to grips with this possibility. The appointment also gave me the motivation to finish all the last baby bits and pieces, so we are ready for his arrival whenever that might be.</div>
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I have also decided to take maternity leave. My line of work is freelance, so it would be easy for me to keep accepting work here and there when I feel up to it. However, mentally deciding to officially stop working from next week, to spend some time resting and with Ada, has been a good decision for me. I never got any leave before Ada was born (I worked on the day I went into hospital!), so it will be nice to do things a little differently.</div>
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I had another scan this week, and they can't compare baby's growth from last week to this one (it's too soon to compare) but they did check other bits and pieces such as the blood flow from me to him, and this is all fine! Therefore he should be grand to stick around another week, till next week when I am 36 weeks and we have the big growth scan- from there we will make a plan around his birth.</div>
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I think I'm now at peace with whatever may happen. Even though medical phrases were thrown around in todays appointment, in a quite unlike me fashion, I decided not to ask for more expansion on the terms, or explanation of their consequences. Unlike with Ada, who was labelled and diagnosed with lots of things, I feel comfortable at this point to not think too far ahead. We will know diagnoses and plans in full when we need to. I also feel confident and competent in my knowledge around birth and neonatal stages to advocate for myself and baby when we need it.</div>
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He might need to come next week, he might stick around a few more weeks. I may go into labour, I may be induced, I may need a ceserean. I'm feeling very 'what will be will be,' about things now.</div>
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We've made it so much further than Ada's birth gestation, and I know whatever happens, it will be a very different experience to last time. I'm excited to see what will happen, and very excited to meet my son.</div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-26267357875000470402016-06-18T12:13:00.001+12:002016-06-18T12:13:41.341+12:00Terrified<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's hard to put into words the more challenging side of motherhood. Yet lately I've been feeling it more than ever.</div>
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The relentlesness. Sleeplesness. Feeling like someone's slave. Feeling impatient, angry, tired, hormonal. On the one hand wanting only the best for my daughter, wanting to be the very best mum for her. On the other, the reality that I am flawed and my perfect parenting moments are few and far between.</div>
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You wouldn't know from looking at my instagram or facebook feed, as I, like most mum's, tend to only post the good stuff. Of course, because who wants to see a selfie of my tear stained face at 4am, or a video of Ada screaming at the closed door while I'm vomiting over the toilet and wishing she'd leave me alone for one minute. None of that is glamorous, and none of it is too regular, but it's reality.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Not quite the whole truth</td></tr>
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I am completely terrified of being a mum to two small children. I love my kids, but I am not one of those natural mum material types. I struggle not to be selfish, to give my all to my kids. Luckily one of them is still in utero, but the impacts on my body (regular vomiting, fatigue, HORMONES) are influencing how I parent Ada already.</div>
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It's not Ada's fault- sometimes I will handle her toddler behaviour with ease and grace, with boundaries and love. Other days I snap at her, cry in the kitchen and sneak chocolate when she's not looking. She is changing and growing and testing boundaries and it's all totally normal. It's my responses that change from day to day, and I don't think this is fair on her.</div>
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When thinking about the months ahead, about adding a baby to the mix, I am equal parts excited and terrified. How can I share my time and love fairly between two kids? How can I be the mum they both need? I don't know at this point.</div>
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So there's the reality. Parenting highs and parenting lows. I know I'm not the only mum to feel this way, and I know that 'this too, shall pass.'</div>
Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-58314750176543719092016-06-10T11:18:00.000+12:002016-06-10T11:18:36.349+12:0030 + 3: We made it<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Holla, I'm officially more pregnant than I've ever been! Can I get a whoop whoop!!</div>
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<a href="http://jenndarlingblog.blogspot.co.nz/2014/01/our-baby-unexpected-arrival.html">Ada was born at 30+2</a>, and today I am 30 weeks and 3 days pregnant. This is it, the huge goal I have been gunning for this whole pregnancy. I am SO excited to be here. And sore...turns out being further along in pregnancy comes with all sorts of aches and pains ;)</div>
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Yesterday, Ada's 'birth' day, was interesting. I did not feel as sad as I thought I might, but I did feel very nostalgic. I looked at photos of her birth day and imagined what baby boy looks like. Ada was so tiny and precious.</div>
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I think I am mostly at peace with what happened with Ada, and a big part of that is because she is totally fine now. Prematurity is not her defining feature any more. And so it seems, prematurity may not be the the defining feature of this pregnancy either.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ada now</td></tr>
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So far this pregnancy is going perfectly. Baby boy is growing well and I am showing no signs of illness. It was assumed at the start of my pregnancy that I would need a scheduled c-section at 37/38 weeks, but this is no longer the case. Of course it depends how things go in the coming weeks, but I may be able to actually have this baby in August when he's due (imagine!).</div>
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Every day now is a blessing. And every day I feel more and more 'normal.' I've started doing normal pregnant lady things like reading up on labouring skills, and going to breastfeeding classes. When I imagine baby boy's birth I now see the possibility of holding him, of feeding him, of skin to skin, of leaving the hospital together.</div>
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Who knows what the coming weeks may bring, and it is a distinct possibility I may develop pre-eclampsia at a later gestation. This possibility does not fill me with terror anymore, or consume my thoughts. We've made it further than we did with Ada, therefore I know I can handle whatever might come my way.</div>
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Thankyou to all my friends and family who have listened to me go on (and on and on) about my thoughts and feelings thus far in the pregnancy. Those who know me know I find talking things through so very helpful in processing things, and I appreciate your listening ears!</div>
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If I could celebrate with a glass of bubbles I would- instead I've bought 'gourmet' chocolate milk, I'll drink a glass to Ada and to my baby boy, who I'm so excited to meet... but not yet :)</div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-64769492734510912992016-05-09T13:26:00.000+12:002016-05-09T13:27:36.533+12:00Ready, aim, fire<div style="text-align: justify;">
It has crept up on me a bit, but I am 26 weeks pregnant. As I get closer and closer to 30 weeks (the gestation I had Ada, the 'big' milestone) I am feeling a strange sense of calm with a tinge of nerves.</div>
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When I was 26 weeks pregnant with Ada I had no idea we only had 4 weeks to go. This time we are ready for anything. </div>
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As we wait, and tick off the days, I have prepared myself for any possibility. My hospital bag is packed *just in case*. Ada will be beginning part time daycare later this month, for many reasons, and one is so that she is settled into a new centre *just in case* things happen and she needs more care hours. Baby's room is a work in progress but all the essentials are ready, waiting, for whenever they are needed.</div>
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Keeping my mind open to the possibility of baby being here in a month, in two or three is strange and mind-bendy. Not knowing the future but knowing in deep detail the 'possible' futures and trying to juggle them while not letting them overwhelm requires strong will.</div>
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I was at a women's conference a few weeks ago, and one of the speakers talked about the stages of shooting an arrow. I love a good metaphor, so this resonated with me.</div>
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When you prepare to shoot an arrow, you put the arrow in the bow, and draw the arrow back with vision, but also with a stretch, with tension.</div>
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My vision is a full term pregnancy, but even imagining this does come with some tension! Tension of what my mind knows, of my beliefs, of what I trust. </div>
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Before you can release the arrow your body needs to be in an anchoring stance (one leg behind the other, with balance in the body), this gives stabilisation to the body. The full body is engaged in this act.</div>
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I am doing everything I can to keep my body aligned. Medications, scans, regular blood pressures and so on. In the end my body will take it's own course, whatever that may be, but I sure as hell am doing all I can to keep it in line.</div>
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When the arrow is released it is done so with power and intention, until it smashes the target.</div>
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My target right now is 30 weeks of pregnancy, and my mind is set on that goal and of breaking it, of conquering, defeating. I truly believe this is possible, and at the same time don't quite believe it will happen.</div>
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Another speaker at this conference reminded me that life and growth happens in the journey, not just in the high/low lights. Whatever the outcome of this pregnancy journey, whether it's a high or a low, I know I have been stretched and grown in immeasurable ways. I certainly would not be who I am today, without walking where I have, and for that I am grateful.</div>
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I suppose what I feel right now, is that while I'm ready for anything, I'm hoping for the best and believing I can handle whatever comes my way.</div>
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Ready, aim, fire. Come at me 30 weeks. I'm waiting.</div>
Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-14056548970699141792016-04-05T17:47:00.001+12:002016-04-05T17:49:11.857+12:00Parenting a toddler<div style="text-align: justify;">
Parenting a baby is one thing, but I'm finding parenting a toddler is where the rubber hits the road.</div>
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Ada is two. And we know it!</div>
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She's cute: she can sing all of her ABC's, twinkle twinkle and EIEIO at loud volume. She has discovered stars and planes 'look mummy look!! pane!' She insists on goodnight prayers every night, and when she's in the right mood she can charm anyone. It is so fun re-discovering the world through her eyes.</div>
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She's challenging: she throws epic tantrums, at least one a day. She hardly eats and prefers popcorn and chippies. She has found her high pitched squeal and uses it loudly and has discovered the art of slamming doors. </div>
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Everyday my patience is tested, and I refine and hone and chop and change my parenting styles and values. At my core I value a mix of gentle parenting along with strong boundaries and clear rules. I have vowed to never smack Ada, but that doesn't mean I am doing gentle parenting perfectly- I get impatient, I snap and have sworn under my breath on many occasions.</div>
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Yesterday was 'one of those days' and I ended it feeling like an awful mum and glad to be in bed. Ada was grumpy, had watched far too much TV and tantrums through our dinner. She refused to eat.</div>
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Today though, she is happy, entertaining herself, eating well and has watched hardly any TV. </div>
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I have done nothing different- today and yesterday- and I guess I'm slowly learning that she has ups and downs, just like me, and it's not a reflection on my parenting. In the end, I know she will turn out allright. I will show her patience, and love and problem solving, and at other times I'll be grumpy and too quick to snap, and I guess that's ok - I'm human too and she's learning, slowly, about empathy through that.</div>
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Me and my kid. She is sure teaching me a lot.</div>
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Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5171242156137499985.post-9705519138378097512016-03-25T16:32:00.002+13:002016-03-25T16:33:09.962+13:00The next 10 weeks<div style="text-align: justify;">
So here I am. Me and my son (my son!!) have almost made it to 20 weeks pregnant! Halfway, although I suspect I was halfway a week or two ago. I feel like this is a major milestone. All the potential early pregnancy problems have been left in our wake, and it's business time now.</div>
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I am feeling positive and yet ready for anything in these next 10 weeks. The next 10 weeks brings us to Ada's birth gestation. In the next 10 weeks I will reach viability and move towards better and better gestations. The next 10 weeks will start to form a picture of what direction this pregnancy might be going, and regular scans and tests will be coming my way.</div>
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I have been looking back at pictures of my pregnancy with Ada. At 20 and 25 weeks I did look quite puffy and unwell (swelling/puffyness is a part of pre-eclampsia.) I remember bleeding once or twice in the 20's. At 20 weeks Ada was 'big' for her size, at 26 she was bang on and at 30 she was small. It was the 20's that things started to change in her pregnancy and I didn't realise it until it was all too late.</div>
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So, in a way, I feel like I'm going into battle. I have that mentality. I have my armour all around me- God, family, friends support, counseling, my midwife on call, my obstetrician and my medications and tests. All of these things form a bubble around me to protect baby and I. I imagine pre-eclampsia and abruption and pre-term birth like a dark force heading my way. My armour is on and I am strong and ready. I am looking and waiting and will do whatever it takes to battle them away as long as I can.</div>
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I don't know if my armour will hold all the way to 40 weeks. Time will tell. But I feel like I've been waiting my whole pregnancy for this moment. Now is the time to fight and be strong and vigilant.</div>
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I am ready.</div>
Jennhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08729194373891089873noreply@blogger.com0