Too soon

This week a young guy from our church passed away suddenly.

Too soon, too quickly, too young.

I knew Zander a little bit- he helped Matt and I move house a few months ago. I also heard his testimony earlier this year in church and I thought he was an amazing guy.

The death of a young person is always a tragedy. Our whole church is grieving, especially his friends. We're grieving for us and we're grieving for his family and their loss too.

His funeral was today, and as can be expected, it was a mixture or grief, tears, laughter and thankfulness for his short, sweet life.

I found the Haka by his school mates so moving. I loved that it was so Kiwi, so moving and such a fitting farewell.

As was shared on facebook and at the funeral, the last text to his friend shows what an amazing guy he was.

"" Suup tahu its zander. Can you please pass this round to all the boys? Too tired to text everyone ... what's happening down at RC? Anyways,I deteriorated over night and now critical condition. Got to get flown up to aux for a transplant lol .. hope it goes as well as shout did haha! But if I don't see you guys again, ill b in gods hands im sure. Hope you guys don't fall into traps. Hope you guys keep your passions for God! I will be in good hands, I hope to see youz again!""

I will leave with this song. The hurt and the healer has been an amazing comfort for me in hard times. The words acknowledge grief but turn to hope.

"Jesus come and break my fear

Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide"

The yes's and the no's

This last month, Matt and I have had our fair share of what seems like a yes...turn into a no.

As I shared with many of you, I had an early miscarriage in early April. Here is the story I wrote about it.
I should add that I am grateful for the outpouring of love we got on sharing this story. People are so amazing and kind.
I should also add that we are ok now. It was awful and difficult at the time, but we have found peace and been lucky enough to be able to move on relatively easily.

My pregnancy was at first a yes. For 2 weeks we waited to see if it would continue to be a yes and I wrote about the wait here. After 2 weeks the bleeding started and the yes quickly became a no.

Even though the grief has passed, I still have many questions, and feelings of disappointment about this. Why would it have been a yes (hopes up!) just to turn into a no. Why couldn't it have been a no all along?

Our second encounter with yes's and no's this month was for Matt. He was almost guaranteed a (pretty sweet) new job, he had two interviews that looked very positive, all the signals were there.
For 2 weeks he waited, and then..... his yes became a no.
It was his turn to feel the bitter disappointment of hope turning into reality.
It was my turn to hug him and tell him that I love him.

I don't know what God is trying to teach us through these experiences (and I believe they aren't just coincidence, although you might see it that way.) I also know that there are no answers today, and that  we just have to learn to trust, to enjoy the ride, to not yearn for the 'what if's.'
I believe the current circumstances and the meaning of them will be revealed in hindsight, and as such I'm not searching too hard to know WHY right now. I'm just going to let it be.

I know I've shared this picture before but it seemed apt in this situation too. From here.

Planted

I spent the afternoon with my hands in the dirt.

Pulling out weeds, and so much dead foliage. The last tenants had not cared for the garden.

I slowly saw the messy, dead earth transform, to scarred dirt, loosened, fresh. I added some new soil, the new to the old bringing life back to the earth.

I planted bulbs. I scooped holes in the fresh earth, and planted them deep inside. Covered back with earth, and watered. I won't know if the bulb will flower until the spring.

Transformation, from my hands, the old dead earth, refreshed, anew with the possibility of new life.

Waiting

Waiting is hard for an impatient person like me.

Waiting for answers.
Waiting to move forward.

Waiting with cautioned hope, with restrained sadness.

Trusting the opinions of others, trusting the outcome, trusting myself, trusting God.

Filling waiting hours with searches for answers, with normal life, with tears, with hardened resolve, with questions, with prayer, with sleep, with work, with hugs, with chocolate, with trust.

Waiting, teaching me patience, teaching me to trust, to let it go, to keep moving forward.

Where feet may fail

I'm loving this song at the moment

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Saviour."

I love that this bridge is repeated time and time again, to the point where a regular song wouldn't keep repeating it.

Repeated, those words wash over me, enter the blueprint of who I am, changing my hard wired thinking. A knot of energy under my rib cage grows, as the words become truer and truer to me.

The power of a song, of a refrain, of a repetition, to enter a soul by osmosis- this is something we all know about. It's a part of the human experience- the impact of a special song that happens just when you need it.

"My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine"