In my arms

Baby A,

For days you have been clingy, sleeping less, grizzly, grumpy. The only thing that can make you settle are my cuddles.

I was annoyed. I needed to get the washing on. To pump. To get dressed before the nurse comes. To shower.

I dutifully took you in my arms, my crying babe.

And each time as I stroked your head, as I whispered 'shhhhh' in your ear, as I found my mother instinct to calm you down, my frustration left me and I was home again.

These moments, with you in my arms, they are what I longed for, for so long. And they are not forever. I am so aware that these snuggly baby days are falling away like sand through my fingers.

And so, I let go of annoyance, of chores, of things that will never be remembered in years to come.

And I hold you close to me, my cherub, let you sink into my arms, and just be.

I breathe in your baby smell, feel your sweet breath flutter against me, listen to your baby yawns, grunts and groans.

I look at you, my baby, and see how beautiful you are, and how precious this time is.

And I snuggle you even closer.

My sweet girl, I love you more than words could express.

Mummy x

My favourite view

The motherhood: 6 months in

I recently found this post I penned when Baby A had been home for about 3 weeks.

Re-reading it brought all those raw emotions flooding back. And the funny thing is, I had completely forgotton that I had felt like that, that things had been so bad (bad enough that I lost a contact in my eye!!??). The human brain is a funny thing, I had so quickly forgotten the early days, just as mother nature intended.

Indeed, life is much much better now.

To the naysayers

I just want to clear a few things up.

No, Baby A is not manipulating or playing us or taking the easy option by needing most of her milk via the NG tube. She has been diagnosed by professionals with a weak suck and poor swallow, caused by neurological prematurity. It is incredibly hard for her to drink a bottle, and she tries her best. She will get there one day, in her own time, but now is not that time.

Yes it is sad I am no longer breastfeeding A, but if you knew anything about how hard it has been to feed her you would not say this to my face. I tried my best. It didn't work out. Moving on.

Again, yes it is sad that A now needs some formula supplementation because I can't produce enough milk for her. And again, our situation is not normal and I have tried my best. A little formula is keeping A well, fed and healthy.

I know it is unbecoming for me to write a rant like this. However I find it unbecoming when people make suggestions or comments like the above ones. Please, just trust that we are trying our best in a very difficult situation. And think before you speak.

Thankyou.

How can I help my friend who has a baby in hospital?

 I often get asked what people can do for their friends who have babies or children in hospital, having had recent experience in that area myself.

The things that helped me would also apply to those who have a spouse or family member in hospital, or just anyone whose life has been turned upside down by a sudden event.

1. The number one thing, in my opinion, is to let your friend know you care, that you are thinking of them, and that you are free to chat if they  want. Text and call your friend often. Just knowing they have people they can call on will be a great comfort. Offer to meet you friend at the hospital for a coffee or some time away from the situation. They might say no, but it might be exactly what they need.

2. In times of stress, practicalities go out the window. So you could offer to make dinners or lunches, to bring snacks, baking, or vouchers for local cafes.

3. If your friend has other children, you could offer to watch them.

4. If your friend can't drive or doesn't have transport, offer to drive them to the hospital. 

5. Make a pamper pack for your friend- chocolate, a trashy magazine, vitamins, bubble bath- anything to spoil them.

6. If you text or call don't say 'let me know if I can help' because the very open endedness of that statement means your friend will probably say they are fine and they don't need anything. I found it most helpful when people offered concrete ways of helping.

7. Most importantly, just be there for your friend. Even if they don't want to see you, support them. Send them encouraging cards, texts, messages. Whatever you do, don't back away. Even if you don't know what to say and you don't want to crowd them, try your best. Don't expect that your friend will contact you first- you need to make the first move.

You will never know how much your friend treasures your friendship and support. It is invaluable in times of stress.

No no one would expect one person to do all of the above! Just take from this list what suits you, and remember that even if an offer is declined, your friend is thankful that you are thinking of them and supporting them.

Long-term

So only a few weeks ago I was ready to fight to get Baby A weaned from her tube.

And then this past week we FINALLY had our assessment from a speech language therapist- the assessment that should have happened months ago.

Anyway.

The SLT believes that A has a very weak suck and will be reliant on the NG tube for a year or more.

Yep that long.