Tuesday, 6 October 2015


It's almost a rite of passage of becoming a mother, I think. Feeling guilty.

I am not the type of person who would generally feel guilty in life (except when I should have!), but motherhood has been a whole new ball game. 

Guilt and lies would often enter my head:
It's my fault she was born early. If only I'd seen the signs. It's so obvious looking back.
If only I'd continued trying to breastfeed, I'd have been a better mother.
I leave her in care too much!
I should feed her better food

and on and on and on. 

It came to a head a few weeks ago when guilt got a bit too cheeky and tried to make me feel bad for the most ridiculous thing. In a way it was good as I could recognise the ridiculousness of feeling this way!

I'd had wrist surgery a few days before so I only had use of one arm. I woke up and I was spewing my guts out- I had gastro. I get the kind of gastro where all I can do is lie on the floor and vomit every 30 minutes. I get it so bad I often end up needing medical attention.

Before I lost my capacity, I arranged for Ada's carer to come pick her up and take her for the day. There was about an hour before she could come. So I managed to bring Ada downstairs, I gave her milk, dry ricebubbles and put a baby dvd on which she watched happily.

As I lay on the couch watching her and trying not to spew, guilt came along. 'I'm such a terrible mother!! My child isn't even dressed, I've fed her dried ricies and am fobbing her off for the day!!'

I would have laughed (except that would have made me more nauseous). It was so ridiculous. So I said back to guilt 'I'm a f*@king awesome mum!! Ada is going to be well looked after today, she is happy now and I even managed to feed her breakfast. Go me! I rock!'

Ever since then I've been able to see guilt a lot clearer for what it is- lies.
I'm finding it much easier to retort back to guilt (in my head...don't worry I'm not speaking out loud.)

It's my fault she was born early. If only I'd seen the signs. It's so obvious looking back.
No one would have known. My quick actions saved her life. Look at her now, she's thriving.

If only I'd continued trying to breastfeed, I'd have been a better mother.
I couldn't have fed her- she didn't know how to suck-swallow-breathe! She was tube fed for 10 months and I pumped for 8, I rock!

I leave her in care too much!
I leave her in care approximately half of the week, we still get plenty of time together. Not to mention she LOVES care and is constantly saying her friends name and loves playing with her.

I should feed her better food
She is fed well. Spaghetti on toast every now and again is ok- she loves it!

If anything else I can say to guilt 'She is happy, she is safe, she is secure, she is loved.'

Guilt is such a wasted emotion. I can't really be bothered entertaining it in my life anymore (well except when I should...guilt can be a good way to help consider your action.)

To any mum who is struggling with guilt, remember, it's all lies! You are a great mother, your child is well looked after, safe and happy. Guilt doesn't deserve space in your head.

Tuesday, 11 August 2015

Home for Now

We moved into this house in October. And while this place is a MILLION times better than our last place, I still felt a bit blah about parts of it. It's a rental, and we are planning on buying at some point, so I had this idea I couldn't spend money improving a rental. But then I found pinterest inspiration and made a few small changes and before I knew it I was on a roll! There are little 'spots of happy' throughout the house which make me feel more content spending time here, and more like this is our home, instead of a house. I feel like valuing our rental has made me more happy to be here until we make the next big step.

  Ada's room before

Ada's room after:
(including black out curtain liners- a great investment!)


I took some plain drawers in the study and whacked a bit of Molly Voodoo paint on them. This paint is amazing and doesn't require any sanding before use!

Now I have a nice wee office nook

While I was on a roll with the paint I did this wee shelf from the Sallies for our front door

I discovered Euro pillows!!!

 We don't have a laundry unfortunately, just this monstrosity which can be seen from our lounge. A quick curtain installation and it's much better!

Bathroom before
Bathroom after

 Wee touches


Kitchen nook


(New curtains are next on the list!!)

Next project:
I've been waiting to do this beauty up for a while. I've got fresh paint and new handles on order and over the next few weeks I'll do it bit by bit at night. I can't wait for it to be freshened up!

I've had a lot of fun with these wee projects, I hope you enjoyed seeing a wee glimpse of them :)

Wednesday, 8 July 2015

The Motherhood: 18 Months


You are 18 months old today.

As close to 2 as you are to 1 and I can't believe how fast time is flying.

To be honest, your first year dragged a little. This second year is flying by and I want to grab time by it's heels and tell it to slow right down!

Everyday is a new day with you. You are constantly changing and learning and growing.

Over the past few months you've shed your baby-hood goodbye and well and truly welcomed toddlerdom into our home.

In your first year I was sleep deprived, and you were still and mostly quiet. Now I (usually) have enough sleep, and you are chaos and noise.

You are talking and learning new words all the time. Current favourite phrases include 'less go' (as in, lets get out of here mum before I lose it!), 'dank ooo' (thankyou), 'shus' (shoes) and 'cuuk' (book.) You're a pro at animal noises but you haven't quite learned that sheep and other 4 legged animals don't all say 'ooof ooof'

You haven't mastered the word 'no' yet but you have mastered shaking your head which you use at your every whim.

Frustration and tiredness lead you to lose it- tantrums on an evening are your way of telling us you are O.V.E.R it! We're slowly learning to respond and cope with this new behaviour, and guide you through all these new overwhelming emotions. We get 'over it' too sometimes, and then take a deep breath and carry on.

You are a great sleeper and know your own limits. You happily go to bed and talk yourself to sleep.

Discovering lipstick
You are far more social than your Daddy and I put together. You gain energy and joy from being around others. Your idea of hell is a quiet morning home chilling out (quite the clash- that's my idea of heaven.)

You constantly challenge me to be a better Mum and person. I think before you were born I had this idea that I would reach a 'pinnacle' of motherhood which would involve me wearing an apron and happily building block towers with you for hours. You and I both know this isn't our reality. I can see now I'm never going to reach some great pinnacle of motherhood. I am flawed, and you are too and that's ok. We will muddle through together.

So here's to you, at 18 month, no longer my baby but my wriggly, joyful curious toddler. Here's to climbing and laughing and reaching and falling and all the bits in between.

It is my joy (and my heartache, sometimes) to watch you learn and grow and change.

Mummy xx

(See my other 'Motherhood' posts here and here)

Tuesday, 16 June 2015

You'll be so proud

Premmie mum,

Right now you are hurting, confused, overwhelmed at the birth of your premmie baby.

You don't know what you did to deserve this happening to you. You are scared, and would do anything to turn back time.

From one premmie mum to another: I know how you feel.

Sunday, 7 June 2015

t w e n t y - n i n e

Today I turn twenty nine. 
I'm standing at the start of the last year of my twenties and wondering what it will bring. How will this decade be sealed? I'm feeling a lot of trepidation.

And the reason is this: now Ada is 17 months old, the idea of having another baby at some point is being floated.

And while I want another baby one day, the thought of ever being pregnant makes me physically recoil, fearful, scared scared scared.
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