Dear Baby Boy: The day before we meet you

Dear baby,

Today I am 38 weeks pregnant with you, and tomorrow I will be induced. You will be born tomorrow, or in the next few days.

Today, I am a ball of nervous, excited and emotional anticipation. I'm sure by the time you can read this you will know all about your sisters arrival. My pregnancy with you has been so different, and for that I am so grateful.

I don't know what will happen, or how exactly you will be born, but I do know this: you are strong (your big kicks show it), and you are a true miracle to have made it this far. I know I will have you in my arms on the day you are born, and for that I cannot wait.

You have given me huge kicks, and a big belly, you've given me days and weeks of pregnancy I never had before, and you've given me time to enjoy the 'normal' end of a pregnancy. The strangers asking when I'm due, if I'm having a boy or a girl, secretly I've loved it all.

I am filled with nerves about your arrival into our family, but I know this is a normal feeling! We've been able to prepare for your arrival in a way that we never could for your sister, and that has been healing for me.

Your bassinet, ready in our room

Because of my pregnancy with your sister, I have been closely monitored for all of your pregnancy. This has meant I've seen your sweet face on scans more times than I can count, and heard your heartbeat on numerous occasions.

Monitoring your heartbeat yesterday

Today, I have been doing last minute preparations for your arrival. Packing your hospital bag and looking at the sweet wee clothes you will soon be wearing.

Today I am enjoying my last moments of pregnancy, as it is unlikely your Dad and I will have any more children. I'm treasuring you in my belly.

Today, like every day in my pregnancy with you, I whisper  prayer over you

Thankyou God for my boy, my fighter, my miracle. Thankyou for his life. I pray my son will grow to know you and to be a strong, courageous and kind boy. Thankyou for the joy he has already brought to our lives and that he is yet to bring.

We love you so much already, my boy. We've been waiting to meet you for 9 long months and now the time is here. 

I will see you soon xx

Mummy

Baby Update

So it appears I posted a rather vague update on Facebook last week (whoops!) and since have had people messaging me to see if baby and I are ok.

We are!

Last week I had a scan which showed that baby is not growing quite as well as he has been. Phrases like IUGR (Inter-uterine growth restriction- Ada had this) and SGA (small for gestational age) were thrown around, along with the possibility of baby coming a little earlier than he might want to. At the time I was quite upset about this possibility. A 35/36 weeker is nothing compared to Ada's birth at 30 weeks, however it could mean baby needs time in Special Care, which would mean being separated from my baby at birth- something I feel quite strongly about NOT experiencing this time.

However, by talking it through with my lovely friends and family, as well as praying and mulling it all over, I have been able to process and come to grips with this possibility. The appointment also gave me the motivation to finish all the last baby bits and pieces, so we are ready for his arrival whenever that might be.

I have also decided to take maternity leave. My line of work is freelance, so it would be easy for me to keep accepting work here and there when I feel up to it. However, mentally deciding to officially stop working from next week, to spend some time resting and with Ada, has been a good decision for me. I never got any leave before Ada was born (I worked on the day I went into hospital!), so it will be nice to do things a little differently.

I had another scan this week, and they can't compare baby's growth from last week to this one (it's too soon to compare) but they did check other bits and pieces such as the blood flow from me to him, and this is all fine! Therefore he should be grand to stick around another week, till next week when I am 36 weeks and we have the big growth scan- from there we will make a plan around his birth.

I think I'm now at peace with whatever may happen. Even though medical phrases were thrown around in todays appointment, in a quite unlike me fashion, I decided not to ask for more expansion on the terms, or explanation of their consequences. Unlike with Ada, who was labelled and diagnosed with lots of things, I feel comfortable at this point to not think too far ahead. We will know diagnoses and plans in full when we need to. I also feel confident and competent in my knowledge around birth and neonatal stages to advocate for myself and baby when we need it.

He might need to come next week, he might stick around a few more weeks. I may go into labour, I may be induced, I may need a ceserean.  I'm feeling very 'what will be will be,' about things now.

We've made it so much further than Ada's birth gestation, and I know whatever happens, it will be a very different experience to last time. I'm excited to see what will happen, and very excited to meet my son.

Ready, aim, fire

It has crept up on me a bit, but I am 26 weeks pregnant. As I get closer and closer to 30 weeks (the gestation I had Ada, the 'big' milestone) I am feeling a strange sense of calm with a tinge of nerves.

When I was 26 weeks pregnant with Ada I had no idea we only had 4 weeks to go. This time we are ready for anything. 

As we wait, and tick off the days, I have prepared myself for any possibility. My hospital bag is packed *just in case*. Ada will be beginning part time daycare later this month, for many reasons, and one is so that she is settled into a new centre *just in case* things happen and she needs more care hours.  Baby's room is a work in progress but all the essentials are ready, waiting, for whenever they are needed.

Keeping my mind open to the possibility of baby being here in a month, in two or three is strange and mind-bendy. Not knowing the future but knowing in deep detail the 'possible' futures and trying to juggle them while not letting them overwhelm requires strong will.

I was at a women's conference a few weeks ago, and one of the speakers talked about the stages of shooting an arrow. I love a good metaphor, so this resonated with me.

When you prepare to shoot an arrow, you put the arrow in the bow, and draw the arrow back with vision, but also with a stretch, with tension.

My vision is a full term pregnancy, but even imagining this does come with some tension! Tension of what my mind knows, of my beliefs, of what I trust. 

Before you can release the arrow your body needs to be in an anchoring stance (one leg behind the other, with balance in the body), this gives stabilisation to the body. The full body is engaged in this act.

I am doing everything I can to keep my body aligned. Medications, scans, regular blood pressures and so on. In the end my body will take it's own course, whatever that may be, but I sure as hell am doing all I can to keep it in line.

When the arrow is released it is done so with power and intention, until it smashes the target.

My target right now is 30 weeks of pregnancy, and my mind is set on that goal and of breaking it, of conquering, defeating. I truly believe this is possible, and at the same time don't quite believe it will happen.

Another speaker at this conference reminded me that life and growth happens in the journey, not just in the high/low lights. Whatever the outcome of this pregnancy journey, whether it's a high or a low, I know I have been stretched and grown in immeasurable ways. I certainly would not be who I am today, without walking where I have, and for that I am grateful.

I suppose what I feel right now, is that while I'm ready for anything, I'm hoping for the best and believing I can handle whatever comes my way.

Ready, aim, fire. Come at me 30 weeks. I'm waiting.

The next 10 weeks

So here I am. Me and my son (my son!!) have almost made it to 20 weeks pregnant! Halfway, although I suspect I was halfway a week or two ago. I feel like this is a major milestone. All the potential early pregnancy problems have been left in our wake, and it's business time now.

I am feeling positive and yet ready for anything in these next 10 weeks. The next 10 weeks brings us to Ada's birth gestation. In the next 10 weeks I will reach viability and move towards better and better gestations. The next 10 weeks will start to form a picture of what direction this pregnancy might be going, and regular scans and tests will be coming my way.

I have been looking back at pictures of my pregnancy with Ada. At 20 and 25 weeks I did look quite puffy and unwell (swelling/puffyness is a part of pre-eclampsia.) I remember bleeding once or twice in the 20's. At 20 weeks Ada was 'big' for her size, at 26 she was bang on and at 30 she was small. It was the 20's that things started to change in her pregnancy and I didn't realise it until it was all too late.

So, in a way, I feel like I'm going into battle. I have that mentality. I have my armour all around me- God, family, friends support, counseling, my midwife on call, my obstetrician and my medications and tests. All of these things form a bubble around me to protect baby and I. I imagine pre-eclampsia and abruption and pre-term birth like a dark force heading my way. My armour is on and I am strong and ready. I am looking and waiting and will do whatever it takes to battle them away as long as I can.

I don't know if my armour will hold all the way to 40 weeks. Time will tell. But I feel like I've been waiting my whole pregnancy for this moment. Now is the time to fight and be strong and vigilant.

I am ready.

A high risk pregnancy, 17 weeks in

When I was pregnant with Ada, ignorance was bliss! My body was slowly failing us but we had no idea until the days before she was born.

With this pregnancy, knowledge is power but also pain! The knowledge means I am well looked after by my midwife and obstetrician, I'm on very specific medication, and regular checks and tests. The 20 week scan is coming up in 2 weeks time, and apart from the normal anatomy scan that everyone gets, I also get a 'blood flow' scan (and will get one every 2 weeks) which shows if baby is getting enough nutrients and is growing right. It is likely any issue will be picked up as it starts this time, but that doesn't mean we can stop it happening, and also means I may end up with weeks of stress and hospital stays.

I recently had two blissful weeks of 'normal' pregnancy. Nothing went wrong for two weeks and I started to think things were going great. Then *bam* I had a big bleed earlier this week and ended up in hospital for the day.

This hospital trip meant I had to cancel a long awaited for developmental appointment for Ada, so there's some Mum guilt right there!

The bleeding issues are not a good sign. I had the same with Ada (but it was milder) and in the end it meant the placenta was not doing it's job properly and was part of the reason she arrived early. So you can imagine my stress that this is happening again. At this stage they just don't know what it means, and can only tell me that baby is ok right now.

I have seen my GP to get a little help dealing with the stress but unfortunately I am not eligible for any help so at this stage I'm going it alone (with amazing support from family and friends.)

In the past week I've begun to feel baby kick as I lie in bed in the mornings and evenings. This has been incredibly reassuring! It means my baby is growing and getting stronger and it means so much to me. I imagine these baby kicks are going to give me much needed reassurance over the next weeks and months.

So now, at 17 1/2 weeks pregnant, I'm in a sort of limbo time. I'm praying every day for my baby's health and safety. I'm counting down the days to get through to next milestones- anatomy scan, next obstetrician appointment, 24 weeks and 30 weeks will be a big one!

I often may seem distracted at the moment and it's because my mind is whirring. What is reassuring to me is that this is only a 'season.' It's bloody hard, for sure, but in a matter of months time I will have my sweet baby in my arms and all this pregnancy stress will be gone for good.

Having a newborn and a toddler will be another thing, but at least the unknown and worries of these pregnancy days will be gone and I will be able to focus on moving forward with our wee family.

Seven times

Seven times I have seen you already baby, in under 15 weeks of pregnancy.

The first time, at 5 weeks, with a scan for bleeding, we couldn't see you but only a sac.

The second time, at 6 weeks, to check you were really there, I saw your heartbeat and the wee dot that you were.

The third time, at 8 weeks, a scan for bleeding again, we saw a bigger smudge with tiny nub limbs.

The fourth, at 11 weeks, in my obstetricians office, I quickly saw your face for the first time.

The fifth, the 12 week scan, we saw you as a baby. Your face, lips, nose chin. Your body and tiny feet and hands.

The sixth, at 13 weeks, in ED for bleeding, I cried when I saw your heart still beating.

And the seventh, at 14 weeks, at the hospital for constant bleeding, I saw you again.

This pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of worry. It seems like nothing has gone smoothly, and weekly, daily I am tested and do not know if you are alive or gone.

The last two times I have seen you, I have been so on edge, thinking the worst. And I'm sorry baby, because I know my emotional state effects you too.

Seven times you have proven to me that you are strong, you are growing, you are doing what you need to do.

And I've made a decision. Not that I won't worry. That would be a promise I'm sure I can't keep. 

I've decided that when I worry I will consciously remember that I have seen you seven times before. That each time you have proven that I should trust you to grow. Each time I've prayed that you'll be ok and each time my prayer has been answered.

Thank you baby for proving my worst fears wrong time and time again. I can't wait to meet you later this year and to snuggle you close. I love you already.

Mummy x

The second time around

Things are different this pregnancy, but some things are comfortingly familiar too.

The vomiting and mornings spent over the sink. Except this time I have a mini me who likes to imitate my retching sounds and laugh to herself.

The bone tiredness that has lead me to fall asleep at work twice...! And to plonk Ada in front of a dvd in hopes I'll get a few minutes shut eye (didn't work).

The anxiety and worry of early pregnancy have been similar to the first. An ED trip, 3 urgent scans, lots going on and not much happening. Once again I am relieved and thankful to have made it to the second trimester.

This time I am well looked after, but pregnancy has lost it's innocence. Daily injections, regular check ups, scans and tests. Talks of percentages of pre-eclampsia, abruptions and blood clots, and chances of making it to my August due date (very unlikely.) Discussions of risks and hospitals capabilities and staying close to medical care at all times. Things are different.

The joy of seeing out wee bean transform from a smudge to an alien like creature, to a wee baby is still as strong as the first pregnancy. Perhaps even stronger, as now I know what that wee dot is likely to grow into one day.

Hi my baby!

All in all I'd say pregnancy is one big waiting and trusting game. Those close to me will know the times I've struggled with worry and the times I've tried my best to trust my body and trust my baby. I believe God has a plan for this baby, and I believe that whatever may come our way, I, we, are strong enough to get through.

Today, I'm just enjoying the growing bump and anticipating the kicks to come. Trying not to think too far ahead, but imagining life with a sweet babe again in our arms.

Dear Baby

Dear Baby,

Now that we're only 10 weeks or so away from officially meeting each other I thought I'd write you a letter for your baby book.

I wonder how you're getting on in there, in your little warm cocoon. I imagine you are quite happy (as happy as an unborn baby can be) because I feel you kicking and twirling and hiccuping all the time. My weekly pregnancy updates tell me all the things you can do now - see light, co-ordinate movement, you have eyebrows and lungs that are ready to function- but even if I didn't know all this, I could still tell you are getting stronger and bigger week by week.

You're changing my body too in ways I didn't even know about. Yes the obvious- the bump- but also the waddle (I caught a glimpse of myself today- I am starting to walk like a duck), the fact that I can't put shoes on without your Father's help, the outie belly button, the continual heartburn. All constant reminders of how you are asserting yourself within me at the moment.

You're changing my fashion sense too- I used to be the type who would never wear leggings and jandals in public, but now I am all about comfort over style. Don't worry about your unfashionable Mother though, you will be the cutest, sweetest looking baby in all the wee outfits we have for you.

As for food, you have me craving cheese and milk. You must be growing some strong bones in there as I'm going through nearly a litre of milk a day at the moment. Oh my sweet tooth is as strong as ever as well, so I'm sure you'll inherit that too. McDonalds should be relegated to the realm of sometimes food, but I often use you as an excuse for just one more cheeseburger this week. One day I'll take you for a happy meal and we can indulge together. I haven't had any real cravings with you but you have put me off raw carrots for a while- a story for another day. Lets just say you owe me for 18 weeks of vomiting every day.

And, so much more than my body or fashion or food, you are changing me as a person as well. I have never felt so much love and excitement about meeting someone as I have you, baby. You are so, so wanted, and one day I will tell you about the journey we had to get you here. Your Dad and I are already besotted with you- you are on our minds constantly. Your Dad told me that you will be a Daddy's girl. I thought that was cute, and his way of showing he is so excited to meet you and to become a father as well. He will be such a great Dad- I can see it in him as a husband, as a friend and as an Uncle- how he interacts with your cousins. I think he will bring a lot of fun into our lives, and I know he will be the one you run to when he arrives home from work, after you've spent the day with me.

Your Dad and I are very excited to meet you. But- and I say this with love (and you will understand one day) - we are also terrified. Scared of how our life of just us two will change when you come along. Scared we won't know what to do when you cry, that we won't get enough sleep and will be irritable with each other or you. Did you know all parents are just winging it? Especially with their first child. I had no idea of this until I became an adult, an expectant parent myself. To you, we will seem to know what we are doing- but to us this is a new choose-your-own-path adventure, and we can only hope and try to do our best by you.

We aren't the only ones who are anticipating your arrival. Your Aunties and Uncles and cousins and Grandparents are all very excited too. Did you know you got a few presents this Christmas gone and you aren't even born yet! I have been surprised at how excited my little brother (your Uncle Chris) has been- your new life has brought joy into the whole family before you're even here!

Your Granny Malcolm (my mother) is secretly hoping you are a mini-me - she thinks it's payback time for all the years of tantrums I gave them (don't believe a word they say, I'm sure I was an angel!). Perhaps you'll be more like your father- a more demure, cute and shy boy from what I hear. Whoever you turn out to look like, or be like, we don't mind. We just can't wait to meet you and see you and learn about who you are.

We have a lovely name picked for you, I think it is beautiful and we can't wait till the moment we meet you and can call you by it.

Your Daddy and I already think you are amazing and can't wait until the day we meet you.

See you soon,

Love, Mummy xox

Pregnancy weeks 19-28 + bump pics

It feels like a loooong time ago since I wrote my last pregnancy update. I feel much more pregnant now then I did then. A big belly, feeling kicks, knowing baby's gender and setting up baby's room has helped with that!

I haven't been as diligent with taking pictures, but I still have a few...

20 Weeks

22 Weeks

25 Weeks

26 Weeks

28 weeks- Merry Christmas!

Here's one from another angle at 25 weeks

Goodbye to my feet and my belly button ring

Belly: My belly has made itself quite apparent now- there is no hiding it! My innie is now an outie and my feet are a distant memory. It's quite a good size in that I look pregnant but it's not big enough to make me waddle yet! And, it's a great place to rest my hands, or cups of tea.

Baby's size: Baby is now the size of a butternut pumpkin. Over 1kg in weight and over 35cm long. Baby has a log of weight to put on, but not too much length.

Weight gain: I've gained 13kg. Which seems a lot to me but the midwife said not to worry! I can't fit my wedding bands any more, but I still fit most of my clothes (apart from around the belly of course!).

Movement: Baby has been kicking away since about 18-19 weeks. It started feeling a big like gas bubbles or popping, and has become more and more defined. She has busy times and quiet times. Sometimes she is busy for a few days then quiet for a few, and I have to let my worried mind not read into that! Lately she has been hiccuping a lot. Matt and some family members have been able to see and feel her move which has been special. I love the kicks, it makes me feel much more connected to her.

Scans: We had the big 20 week scan...and then had our gender reveal party! Yep, baby is a girl! We loved the 20 week scan, as she looked so much more like a baby. She was wriggling around a lot, and it's amazing how much they can move that we don't feel. All is healthy and well.

At 26 weeks I had another quick scan, and got to confirm that she is definitely a girl! Wohooo!

Midwife appointments: Still at 4 weekly, and still hearing her strong heartbeat. Have had a few blood tests lately (regular pregnancy ones) so will wait for the result of those.

Bleeding: I had a tiny bit of bleeding at 26 weeks (hence the extra scan), but baby is well, and there is no apparent cause for it, so I just need to chill and relax.

Symptoms: Morning sickness stopped being a daily feature of my life at about 18 weeks. I still get nauseous or gag at things pretty easily, but I feel so much more human now! I've had some lower back pain, but a visit to the osteso, as well as aqua jogging and yoga has helped that for now. My main, daily pregnancy reminder is that I feel SO HOT all the time. My mini-heater is keeping me a bit too warm during this summer....I don't like to think what the next few months will bring. 

Sleep is getting much harder, but it's not a complete write off yet. I've been getting braxton hicks for a few weeks now, but they aren't painful so it's no worry.

Cravings: Milk! I could drink a litre a day, but I try to restrain myself. Baby must be growing her bones good and strong.

Baby's room: Baby's room is coming along well. We have the cot, a bassinet, change table, some decorations, a bouncer, a pram, some clothes etc. Just needs some finishing touches in these coming months. I made some bunting for the room over christmas.

I'm starting to get excited now about meeting baby, it's feeling more and more real every day. I'm so looking forward to these last 12 weeks and meeting our daughter. Bring on March!

Number one

Baby number one was due this week.

Right as I advance into trimester 3 with baby three.

You will always be in my heart.

Fear is a liar

Fear is a sneaky beast which likes to visit me in between my day to day thoughts, when I don't even expect it.

I'm going along fine, thinking about normal things, then BAM *what if I lose my baby? I couldn't bear it- what if, what if, what if.*

I struggled with heavy fear early on in this pregnancy, and to be fair to myself, it wasn't without reason. I thought once I got to 12 weeks I'd be ok, then it was once I felt the kicks, now it's once I get to 24 weeks (viability- tomorrow!), but actually I don't think this fear will go away till baby is born, and probably not even after that.

I'm starting to realise that fear isn't necessarily logic based (as it seemed to be early in this pregnancy). Fear plays on possible but unlikely worst-case scenarios. The thing is I know there is no point wasting my time on fear. And I have some good strategies for recognising and shutting it down when it creeps up. The sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach is not something I need to be living with.

What is the point of me sharing this? I don't know. I don't have any amazing cures for fear, except for praying it away and ignoring it's pull into darker thoughts. I have a feeling this will be something that visits me for many years to come, and maybe it visits you too- perhaps it's just part of the human condition.

But what I, you, we, must remember is that anxiety and fear are just lies, with enough small threads of truth to make them seem real. They aren't true, they aren't our reality- fear is a liar.

Our gender reveal party

Last Saturday we had our baby gender reveal afternoon tea. I had fun preparing the food- lots of little treats, and my sister in law got the sacred envelope with the gender tucked inside, and she baked the reveal cake.

Around 30 of our friends and family came over, and it would have been a lovely afternoon tea even without the cake! Cutting the cake was so exciting though....

It's a girl!!!! Yay!

We're of the philosophy that we want to enjoy every part of this pregnancy, so having the gender reveal afternoon tea was part of that. It was so much fun, and I reckon this will happen again if we have future children. Oh and if anyone wants me to bake their gender reveal cake, I'm keen!

Pregnancy explained in GIF's

You know I'm on a GIF roll at the moment. Here I go again:

When I haven't vomited in a week, 
I'm like:



Realising I'm half way through this pregnancy,
it's like:



When Matt tries to snuggle with me when I'm feeling unwell,
It's like:



Seeing my growing bump in the mirror,
I'm like:



Baby's kicks waking me up,
I bet it's like:



Watching birth videos,
I'm like:



When I poke baby awake just to feel it kick,
We're like:



Seeing how much all the baby stuff costs to buy,
It's like:



When heartburn keeps me awake at night,
It's like:



When people have a WTF reaction to us having a gender reveal party,
I'm like:



When Matt felt baby kick for the first time,
He was like:



Whenever I see some controversial parenting article, or something about how mothers should try to 'have it all,'
I'm like:

It's 8.30pm and we're off to an event and I'm super tired,
I'm like:



When I'm hungry and I NEED FOOD NOW,
it's like:



Everyone who already has a baby, when they find out we're expecting
they're like:

Pregnancy update at week 18 + belly pics

I started taking belly pics at week 8, so thought I'd share my photos from week 8-17. I'll do the same for 18-28 and 28-...whatever I get to...

Here I am weeks 8-17

Belly: Now I'm in my 19th week I'm noticing a belly all the time and a lot of other people have started noticing it. I'm loving seeing it grow so far, but we'll see what I think about it in a few months!

Baby's size: Apparently baby is now the size of a kumara (sweet potato)...mmm sounds delicious.

Weight gain: I've gained 3-4kg from the start, so am on track with that.

Movement: I've started feeling popping, but nothing definite yet. BUT, I have seen my belly move a few times, and it can only be baby, so that's exciting! (I'm feeling little pops as I type this, so hoping this will become more defined over the next few days.)

Scans: We're just waiting for the 20 week scan in 1 1/2 weeks- can't wait! We're not going to find out the sex, but get the sonographer to write it on a piece of paper. We'll give the paper to a baker and get a gender reveal cake! Wohoo. So the Saturday after the scan we're having an afternoon tea and we will find out the sex of our baby with our family and friends :)

Boy or girl?: I have a feeling baby is a boy, but who knows! Matt dreamed it was a girl and only one of us can be right.

Midwife appointments: Currently 4 weekly, and all is well. I love hearing baby's heartbeat, and Matt came today and got to hear it which was special.

Bleeding: stopped at 14 weeks wohooooo!! 

Symptoms: All day nausea and sickness stopped at about week 12, but I have still been vomiting nearly every morning since then. But I generally feel fine the rest of the day so I can handle it. I'm hoping it's starting to taper off though, it's not the nicest thing. I'm super tired all of the time, and very hungry (but that's normal for me.) 

Baby's room: We moved house last week, and now I can start collecting all the baby stuff we've been offered/are borrowing from amazing friends. My parents bought us a lovely change table and we'll start putting things together and decorating over the next few months.

All in all everything is going well. I still can't believe I'm pregnant sometimes. Other times I have my 'holy crap we're bringing a living being into the world, we have to look after it for 18 years' moments. It's a BIG commitment, but I'm excited!!

Opinions: People have them

So, now that it's becoming more widely known about baby on the way, people feel very eager to share their opinions with me and tell me why I'm wrong. It has begun!!

Now that I'm around 16 weeks pregnant, the most common question I get (apart from 'was it planned?'....um... don't really wanna share about my sex life with you, random stranger) ahem, anyway, the most common question is 'will you find out the gender?'

Fair enough question. At the moment we think yes we will, although that may change. And it is SO crazy the amount of people who don't just disagree with our decision but tell us we're wrong and stupid. Sure, disagree away about our decision, but attacking us is not really fair. Comments we have had

"People can't keep anything a surprise anymore, it's the 'now now now' generation."
"People can't keep anything a secret anymore it's so stupid."
"Back in my day I never found out the gender and I don't know why people would today, it spoils it."

And so on.....

And, the birth. I'm having a hospital birth, probably with some form of medication (I'm keeping an open mind). I may have to have a C-section (medical reasons), and someone was dismayed by this. A c-section isn't a real birth you see. If I have the condition that means I will need a c-section, if I try and give birth naturally I would bleed out and die. Is that natural enough for you?

Come on, I am over 5 months away from birth anyway! And really, my private birth experience is only the concern of me, Matt, baby and the midwives/doctors. No one else needs to know, and giving opinions like that is not helpful.

Another decision (not really a decision at this stage, just a thought) is to go back to work for a day or two a week 3-4 months after baby is born. I don't need to tell you about the looks I have been given for this one. Sigh.

I had heard about this type of judgement that people feel free to give to expecting mothers, but man I have never been so judged in my life before about pretty simple and private decisions. And what is to come? I can only imagine it will get worse as the pregnancy progresses and then baby is born.

Look, I am happy to hear differing opinions on issues. That is how I learn. But not in such a disrespectful way. And if you are a stranger to me, I probably don't want to hear it. I'd rather learn from those who I trust, and who respect my final decisions.

'Reach Me' free pregnancy pack

If you're like me there is nothing that can make your day like a package in the mail full of free goodies. Today I received my free pack of samples from 'Reach Me,' and for free samples, it's pretty good!

What's inside:

• A parenting magazine
• A ricochet baby bib
• Libra maternity pads
• 2 Treasures newborn nappies
• Travel wipe sample pack
• A sachet of Eco store stain remover
• Eco store hand cream (full size, pretty stoked about this one!)
• Bepanthen nappy rash cream
• Travel size packet of corn thins (perfect for pregnant ladies on the go!)
• Phloe bowel health capsules
• Lots of vouchers for discounts of baby products

Reach me also have a pack for when the baby is a newborn and a toddler, and I will definitely be getting those!

I'm pretty sure this is all run by treasures nappies, as since I signed up for this I have received an email promoting treasures. I don't really mind, it would be easy to unsubscribe if I wanted, and you can't complain about free things.

Adding this to my bounty pack (which you receive at the GP's when you're first pregnant) I'm feeling pretty stoked.

(I think this pack is only available in NZ, sorry ladies!).

"The Child who was never born"

I found a picture of this statue a while ago

"The child who was never born" by Martin Hudáčeka

I feel like I am in a place now where I can appreciate the raw beauty, sorrow and hope this statue creates.

Although this statue was apparently created for the situation of abortion, and the pain after that, art is in the eye of the beholder and for me this statue is just as poignant for those who have gone through miscarriage or stillbirth.

I am so grateful for my current pregnancy, and I will never forget the hurt of the loss of the two earlier ones. But this pregnancy is healing me, and I can look back with less grief in my heart now. I will never forget, but I feel like I can move on.

This statue will be such a lovely memorial to those mothers who have lost their babies too early. It would be moving to be able to visit it and to have a moment remembering those gone too soon.