The other side

These last few weeks (months) have been hard, hard, hard. But I finally feel like I have broken through the other side, and I'm feeling content and at peace- finally.

You see, the day after my birthday I started having another miscarriage  Second time unlucky. Consecutive to the first one. This time slightly earlier than the first one, but the pain was so much more. Literal pain (the worst cramps I've ever had), but mostly the emotional pain. Something about two in a row feels more...sinister...than one. Like something is wrong. Like this is not normal. Like my body is malfunctioning. Like my body can't do a task woman were designed for.

It took me a lot longer for the 'cloud' to lift this time. Every day was a struggle. Lots of tears. A whole weekend spent in bed not moving, not even really thinking much. A lot of feeling sorry for myself and asking why.

We don't know if it was plain bad luck or if its something medical. They don't start testing you until after three miscarriages. I can't think about that. There is no point worrying about future pain. I can't say I'll never hit that kind of low again. But I am living in the here and now and enjoying this moment, where I feel calm and happy again and peaceful.

I'm happy that I am finally able to see the amazing things that are happening in my life. These things were happening, but were clouded by my low. Things like my amazing husband. Who doesn't like making cakes, but made me a delicious one for my family birthday celebration. Who gives flowers and lots of cuddles and speaks encouraging words to me.

Like my brother, who just turned 21, and looks super cute suave in the shirt we bought him.

Like my family, who I love seeing every second Sunday night. (It's crazy and chaotic, but I love it.)

Like friends who are so supportive, and happy just to have a coffee and spend time with me. Those conversations fill me up.

Like the fact that I get to see this view every morning, when I drive to work.

Like the fact that my research might be getting published. An amazing opportunity. For a while I didn't want to do it, but somewhere in my fog, my brain was with it enough to know I couldn't miss this chance.

Like the coming together of the annual SL interpreter conference myself and a friend are organising for next weekend. I'm super excited (and nervous) for it, but mostly excited to see old friends and catch up. It was really hard to muddle through with this the past few weeks, but now it's nearly here I'm so glad I carried on.

*****

I'm not going to end this blog post with something twee like 'everything will be alright.' We don't know that. But I know that I have faith and I am thankful to be able to feel joy again, right here and now.

For the heavy hearted

Sometimes melodies and lyrics help. Sometimes inspiring words carry you through instead.

Enjoy x

(all pictures from my pinterest)

This will pass

Life is full of up's and down's. It's natural, part of humanity. And what would the up's be without the down's anyway? The old proverb 'The shadow proves the sunshine' rings true to me. Many have written on how we could never experience the joy and richness of life without experiencing it's depths. And without it's depths how would we grow and build strength of character?

Nevertheless, the depths, the down times are hard. Anxiety, fear and 'the blues' are not good bedfellows. Neither are they easy to shake off.

There is nothing much we can do in these times but hope and pray. My constant prayer at the moment is for God's peace. Friends and family are important too. 'A burden shared is a burden halved' or so they saying goes. The relief of knowing someone else cares is so important. 

"It's always darkest before the dawn"

Too soon

This week a young guy from our church passed away suddenly.

Too soon, too quickly, too young.

I knew Zander a little bit- he helped Matt and I move house a few months ago. I also heard his testimony earlier this year in church and I thought he was an amazing guy.

The death of a young person is always a tragedy. Our whole church is grieving, especially his friends. We're grieving for us and we're grieving for his family and their loss too.

His funeral was today, and as can be expected, it was a mixture or grief, tears, laughter and thankfulness for his short, sweet life.

I found the Haka by his school mates so moving. I loved that it was so Kiwi, so moving and such a fitting farewell.

As was shared on facebook and at the funeral, the last text to his friend shows what an amazing guy he was.

"" Suup tahu its zander. Can you please pass this round to all the boys? Too tired to text everyone ... what's happening down at RC? Anyways,I deteriorated over night and now critical condition. Got to get flown up to aux for a transplant lol .. hope it goes as well as shout did haha! But if I don't see you guys again, ill b in gods hands im sure. Hope you guys don't fall into traps. Hope you guys keep your passions for God! I will be in good hands, I hope to see youz again!""

I will leave with this song. The hurt and the healer has been an amazing comfort for me in hard times. The words acknowledge grief but turn to hope.

"Jesus come and break my fear

Wake my heart and take my tears
Find Your glory even here
When the hurt and the healer collide"

The yes's and the no's

This last month, Matt and I have had our fair share of what seems like a yes...turn into a no.

As I shared with many of you, I had an early miscarriage in early April. Here is the story I wrote about it.
I should add that I am grateful for the outpouring of love we got on sharing this story. People are so amazing and kind.
I should also add that we are ok now. It was awful and difficult at the time, but we have found peace and been lucky enough to be able to move on relatively easily.

My pregnancy was at first a yes. For 2 weeks we waited to see if it would continue to be a yes and I wrote about the wait here. After 2 weeks the bleeding started and the yes quickly became a no.

Even though the grief has passed, I still have many questions, and feelings of disappointment about this. Why would it have been a yes (hopes up!) just to turn into a no. Why couldn't it have been a no all along?

Our second encounter with yes's and no's this month was for Matt. He was almost guaranteed a (pretty sweet) new job, he had two interviews that looked very positive, all the signals were there.
For 2 weeks he waited, and then..... his yes became a no.
It was his turn to feel the bitter disappointment of hope turning into reality.
It was my turn to hug him and tell him that I love him.

I don't know what God is trying to teach us through these experiences (and I believe they aren't just coincidence, although you might see it that way.) I also know that there are no answers today, and that  we just have to learn to trust, to enjoy the ride, to not yearn for the 'what if's.'
I believe the current circumstances and the meaning of them will be revealed in hindsight, and as such I'm not searching too hard to know WHY right now. I'm just going to let it be.

I know I've shared this picture before but it seemed apt in this situation too. From here.