Thursday, 18 February 2016

Seven times

Seven times I have seen you already baby, in under 15 weeks of pregnancy.

The first time, at 5 weeks, with a scan for bleeding, we couldn't see you but only a sac.
The second time, at 6 weeks, to check you were really there, I saw your heartbeat and the wee dot that you were.
The third time, at 8 weeks, a scan for bleeding again, we saw a bigger smudge with tiny nub limbs.
The fourth, at 11 weeks, in my obstetricians office, I quickly saw your face for the first time.
The fifth, the 12 week scan, we saw you as a baby. Your face, lips, nose chin. Your body and tiny feet and hands.
The sixth, at 13 weeks, in ED for bleeding, I cried when I saw your heart still beating.
And the seventh, at 14 weeks, at the hospital for constant bleeding, I saw you again.

This pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of worry. It seems like nothing has gone smoothly, and weekly, daily I am tested and do not know if you are alive or gone.

The last two times I have seen you, I have been so on edge, thinking the worst. And I'm sorry baby, because I know my emotional state effects you too.

Seven times you have proven to me that you are strong, you are growing, you are doing what you need to do.

And I've made a decision. Not that I won't worry. That would be a promise I'm sure I can't keep. 

I've decided that when I worry I will consciously remember that I have seen you seven times before. That each time you have proven that I should trust you to grow. Each time I've prayed that you'll be ok and each time my prayer has been answered.

Thank you baby for proving my worst fears wrong time and time again. I can't wait to meet you later this year and to snuggle you close. I love you already.

Mummy x

Thursday, 4 February 2016

The second time around

Things are different this pregnancy, but some things are comfortingly familiar too.

The vomiting and mornings spent over the sink. Except this time I have a mini me who likes to imitate my retching sounds and laugh to herself.

The bone tiredness that has lead me to fall asleep at work twice...! And to plonk Ada in front of a dvd in hopes I'll get a few minutes shut eye (didn't work).

The anxiety and worry of early pregnancy have been similar to the first. An ED trip, 3 urgent scans, lots going on and not much happening. Once again I am relieved and thankful to have made it to the second trimester.

This time I am well looked after, but pregnancy has lost it's innocence. Daily injections, regular check ups, scans and tests. Talks of percentages of pre-eclampsia, abruptions and blood clots, and chances of making it to my August due date (very unlikely.) Discussions of risks and hospitals capabilities and staying close to medical care at all times. Things are different.

The joy of seeing out wee bean transform from a smudge to an alien like creature, to a wee baby is still as strong as the first pregnancy. Perhaps even stronger, as now I know what that wee dot is likely to grow into one day.

Hi my baby!

All in all I'd say pregnancy is one big waiting and trusting game. Those close to me will know the times I've struggled with worry and the times I've tried my best to trust my body and trust my baby. I believe God has a plan for this baby, and I believe that whatever may come our way, I, we, are strong enough to get through.

Today, I'm just enjoying the growing bump and anticipating the kicks to come. Trying not to think too far ahead, but imagining life with a sweet babe again in our arms.
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