A high risk pregnancy, 17 weeks in

When I was pregnant with Ada, ignorance was bliss! My body was slowly failing us but we had no idea until the days before she was born.

With this pregnancy, knowledge is power but also pain! The knowledge means I am well looked after by my midwife and obstetrician, I'm on very specific medication, and regular checks and tests. The 20 week scan is coming up in 2 weeks time, and apart from the normal anatomy scan that everyone gets, I also get a 'blood flow' scan (and will get one every 2 weeks) which shows if baby is getting enough nutrients and is growing right. It is likely any issue will be picked up as it starts this time, but that doesn't mean we can stop it happening, and also means I may end up with weeks of stress and hospital stays.

I recently had two blissful weeks of 'normal' pregnancy. Nothing went wrong for two weeks and I started to think things were going great. Then *bam* I had a big bleed earlier this week and ended up in hospital for the day.

This hospital trip meant I had to cancel a long awaited for developmental appointment for Ada, so there's some Mum guilt right there!

The bleeding issues are not a good sign. I had the same with Ada (but it was milder) and in the end it meant the placenta was not doing it's job properly and was part of the reason she arrived early. So you can imagine my stress that this is happening again. At this stage they just don't know what it means, and can only tell me that baby is ok right now.

I have seen my GP to get a little help dealing with the stress but unfortunately I am not eligible for any help so at this stage I'm going it alone (with amazing support from family and friends.)

In the past week I've begun to feel baby kick as I lie in bed in the mornings and evenings. This has been incredibly reassuring! It means my baby is growing and getting stronger and it means so much to me. I imagine these baby kicks are going to give me much needed reassurance over the next weeks and months.

So now, at 17 1/2 weeks pregnant, I'm in a sort of limbo time. I'm praying every day for my baby's health and safety. I'm counting down the days to get through to next milestones- anatomy scan, next obstetrician appointment, 24 weeks and 30 weeks will be a big one!

I often may seem distracted at the moment and it's because my mind is whirring. What is reassuring to me is that this is only a 'season.' It's bloody hard, for sure, but in a matter of months time I will have my sweet baby in my arms and all this pregnancy stress will be gone for good.

Having a newborn and a toddler will be another thing, but at least the unknown and worries of these pregnancy days will be gone and I will be able to focus on moving forward with our wee family.

Seven times

Seven times I have seen you already baby, in under 15 weeks of pregnancy.

The first time, at 5 weeks, with a scan for bleeding, we couldn't see you but only a sac.

The second time, at 6 weeks, to check you were really there, I saw your heartbeat and the wee dot that you were.

The third time, at 8 weeks, a scan for bleeding again, we saw a bigger smudge with tiny nub limbs.

The fourth, at 11 weeks, in my obstetricians office, I quickly saw your face for the first time.

The fifth, the 12 week scan, we saw you as a baby. Your face, lips, nose chin. Your body and tiny feet and hands.

The sixth, at 13 weeks, in ED for bleeding, I cried when I saw your heart still beating.

And the seventh, at 14 weeks, at the hospital for constant bleeding, I saw you again.

This pregnancy has been a rollercoaster of worry. It seems like nothing has gone smoothly, and weekly, daily I am tested and do not know if you are alive or gone.

The last two times I have seen you, I have been so on edge, thinking the worst. And I'm sorry baby, because I know my emotional state effects you too.

Seven times you have proven to me that you are strong, you are growing, you are doing what you need to do.

And I've made a decision. Not that I won't worry. That would be a promise I'm sure I can't keep. 

I've decided that when I worry I will consciously remember that I have seen you seven times before. That each time you have proven that I should trust you to grow. Each time I've prayed that you'll be ok and each time my prayer has been answered.

Thank you baby for proving my worst fears wrong time and time again. I can't wait to meet you later this year and to snuggle you close. I love you already.

Mummy x

The second time around

Things are different this pregnancy, but some things are comfortingly familiar too.

The vomiting and mornings spent over the sink. Except this time I have a mini me who likes to imitate my retching sounds and laugh to herself.

The bone tiredness that has lead me to fall asleep at work twice...! And to plonk Ada in front of a dvd in hopes I'll get a few minutes shut eye (didn't work).

The anxiety and worry of early pregnancy have been similar to the first. An ED trip, 3 urgent scans, lots going on and not much happening. Once again I am relieved and thankful to have made it to the second trimester.

This time I am well looked after, but pregnancy has lost it's innocence. Daily injections, regular check ups, scans and tests. Talks of percentages of pre-eclampsia, abruptions and blood clots, and chances of making it to my August due date (very unlikely.) Discussions of risks and hospitals capabilities and staying close to medical care at all times. Things are different.

The joy of seeing out wee bean transform from a smudge to an alien like creature, to a wee baby is still as strong as the first pregnancy. Perhaps even stronger, as now I know what that wee dot is likely to grow into one day.

Hi my baby!

All in all I'd say pregnancy is one big waiting and trusting game. Those close to me will know the times I've struggled with worry and the times I've tried my best to trust my body and trust my baby. I believe God has a plan for this baby, and I believe that whatever may come our way, I, we, are strong enough to get through.

Today, I'm just enjoying the growing bump and anticipating the kicks to come. Trying not to think too far ahead, but imagining life with a sweet babe again in our arms.

World Prematurity Day: My premmie nearly 2 years on

Today is world prematurity day. This day raises awareness for the hundreds of thousands of babies born early every year.

This year, the day nearly passed me by. The only reason I really remembered is because I do a little volunteer work for the Neonatal Trust, so of course it's on their radar.

This year, I no longer feel like being premature defines Ada, or me as a mother. At nearly two years old she is just a regular toddler with most of the vestiges of her early days left behind. The only times it crosses my mind might be in a conversation about birth, or the early days with a newborn and I'll be reminded of our journey. Or when Ada sees her paediatrician or dietician to check up on her weight and eating.

I can now see what I could never know in those early days: she'll be fine. 

That tiny little girl with chicken legs, and see through skin, covered in masks and under a blue light. It all felt like such a nightmare, and now it seems like a distant dream.

That fragile girl is gone and in her place is a rambunctious toddler, full of life and cheekiness, and new words and tantrums and cuddles and love.

And while I wouldn't wish this journey on anyone, I can now see the positives, and the people I've met and the paths I've been on that I wouldn't have been able to without Ada's early birth. It is a privilege and a joy for me to be able to talk to other mothers who are going through this, and to be able to provide a perspective of hope and of 'I understand.'

Here's to World Prematurity Day and celebrating all those families who have 'been there, done that.'

Guilt

It's almost a rite of passage of becoming a mother, I think. Feeling guilty.

I am not the type of person who would generally feel guilty in life (except when I should have!), but motherhood has been a whole new ball game. 

Guilt and lies would often enter my head:

It's my fault she was born early. If only I'd seen the signs. It's so obvious looking back.

If only I'd continued trying to breastfeed, I'd have been a better mother.

I leave her in care too much!

I should feed her better food

and on and on and on. 

It came to a head a few weeks ago when guilt got a bit too cheeky and tried to make me feel bad for the most ridiculous thing. In a way it was good as I could recognise the ridiculousness of feeling this way!

I'd had wrist surgery a few days before so I only had use of one arm. I woke up and I was spewing my guts out- I had gastro. I get the kind of gastro where all I can do is lie on the floor and vomit every 30 minutes. I get it so bad I often end up needing medical attention.

Before I lost my capacity, I arranged for Ada's carer to come pick her up and take her for the day. There was about an hour before she could come. So I managed to bring Ada downstairs, I gave her milk, dry ricebubbles and put a baby dvd on which she watched happily.

As I lay on the couch watching her and trying not to spew, guilt came along. 'I'm such a terrible mother!! My child isn't even dressed, I've fed her dried ricies and am fobbing her off for the day!!'

I would have laughed (except that would have made me more nauseous). It was so ridiculous. So I said back to guilt 'I'm a f*@king awesome mum!! Ada is going to be well looked after today, she is happy now and I even managed to feed her breakfast. Go me! I rock!'

Ever since then I've been able to see guilt a lot clearer for what it is- lies.

I'm finding it much easier to retort back to guilt (in my head...don't worry I'm not speaking out loud.)

It's my fault she was born early. If only I'd seen the signs. It's so obvious looking back.

No one would have known. My quick actions saved her life. Look at her now, she's thriving.

If only I'd continued trying to breastfeed, I'd have been a better mother.

I couldn't have fed her- she didn't know how to suck-swallow-breathe! She was tube fed for 10 months and I pumped for 8, I rock!

I leave her in care too much!

I leave her in care approximately half of the week, we still get plenty of time together. Not to mention she LOVES care and is constantly saying her friends name and loves playing with her.

I should feed her better food

She is fed well. Spaghetti on toast every now and again is ok- she loves it!

If anything else I can say to guilt 'She is happy, she is safe, she is secure, she is loved.'

Guilt is such a wasted emotion. I can't really be bothered entertaining it in my life anymore (well except when I should...guilt can be a good way to help consider your action.)

To any mum who is struggling with guilt, remember, it's all lies! You are a great mother, your child is well looked after, safe and happy. Guilt doesn't deserve space in your head.