I have been searching for the words for weeks to write my thoughts. Isn't it funny how our feelings, thoughts and emotions can escape words, slip from us like butter melting, eluding being caught down.
I found this post, and it helped me to articulate my thought. The base of it is, I have been feeling a bit boring, settled, un spontaneous, familiar lately.
There's me, Friday night, waiting for my take away dinner, before I go home for an evening alone, watching X Factor and Glee. Maybe I would be doing some dishes, for extra fun.
I would see all these young things, going out with friends, having drinks at bars. And I would feel left out. Like I had left that part of my world behind, and now I was boring. As if the most exciting parts of my life have already slipped by.
Then, I would mentally check myself. Do I really want to go back to those days? I didn't have a whole heap of direction, and spent too much time and money on things unworthy of my student bank account. I had many friends were fleeting, and momentary. BUT, in that was the huge sense of possibility, and potential for life. Who knew what would come, but it could be anything!
Since getting that wedding band, since 'settling down,' I have been looking back on that part of my life. A tad lamentful. A tad jealous of my other self.
But, I was trying to grasp, catch something that is gone. And so it should be. And I was starting to believe the lie, 'the grass is always greener......'
Don't get me wrong, this was not on my mind the whole time. Only small, dark moments, like at the takeaway store, would this fear of having missed out, prick, pierce me. And then I would close it up, swallow it and move on.
But, I have decided to confront this head on. I have had a good talking to with myself. Something like 'each stage of life has its good and bad points. You wouldn't rather go back would you? Oh, and hang on Jenn, back then, weren't you just whiling away your days till you found someone, till you could settle down.?'
In every stage of life, I have found myself lamenting for something to come, or something in the past. Why is it so hard to enjoy the present?
Small gnawing lies can be the undoing of us, so it's now time to sew this one up and close it for good.
Because in all my moments, apart from those few dark ones, I am completely happy and content, being settled. Being a wife, having a job I love and spending time with family- there is nothing more I could want. I don't need grand moments, big gestures to make me happy. The small things, the mundane moments of life- thats where real joy is.
And if we allow lies to creep in, the joy to be sucked out of these moments, well then we're in trouble. Because the grass always seems greener, but it isn't really. We have to make joy from what we have now, live in the present moment, not dreaming in our heads of days gone by, or to come.
Because, whats the point of living life, wishing it away?