Saturday, 8 April 2017

That bittersweet feeling of knowing you are done having babies.

The first months after Hunter was born, I longed for another baby. I was on fire, I was winning at montherhood with a toddler and a baby. I longed for him not to be my last.

Looking back, that was probably hormones, mixed with those 'easy days' of newborn life. Don't get me wrong- newborns aren't easy- but Hunter felt pretty easy in comparison to Ada's newborn days. I wasn't working, Ada was at care part time, we were given lots of meals and Hunter didn't require much more than snuggles and milk.

Since then, as Hunter has grown and become busier, as I've gone back to work and running a household, I have felt and immense stretch and have met the limits of my capacity nearly every day.

Practically, I could not imagine how I could cope with another child. Financially, mentally, emotionally we are stretched. And, any future pregnancy would also be high risk and stressful. I got through that with Hunter because I had no other option, but I am not sure I could voluntarily put myself through that again, not to mention that future pregnancies have been advised against by doctors.

We have two amazing kids, life is full and good, and we are done. It makes sense on so many levels.

But it's still bittersweet. Those last few weeks of pregnancy, a big belly and excitement on so many levels. It's gone. Those newborn days, tiredness, joy, love- they are done. Hunter is 8 months old now and with each milestone I am aware that this is the last time. 

I read a blog once that said that when you know you are done with kids, that closes a youthful chapter of your life and puts you in the same category as your mother, grandmother, aunts: women who are finished having babies. It feels like a mixed blessing to be moving into that new category.

It's so exciting to see Hunter grow and gain new skills, become a wee person. It's also bittersweet- a funny combination of feelings.

Two kids is so right for us. So for now, I will continue to take many photos and videos of my kids, so I can look back as they get older. I will continue to hold my friends babies and celebrate their pregnancies with a certain wistfulness. I don't know if this bittersweet feeling will ever leave, but I'm using it to prompt me to soak in every good moment.

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