Today is the day Baby A was due to be born. And I'm feeling very bittersweet about it all.
I could blame over tiredness for my heightened emotions I've had about this day, but I think I would have been feeling emotional, tired or not.
I've had a lot of 'what if's' going on in my mind. Reflecting on the last 10 weeks, and the weeks to come, and the challenges life brings with a pre-term baby.
I've had a few tears, a lump in my throat and a feeling of heaviness around this upcoming day for the past week.
Reflecting on the fact that I have a lot of fear around pregnancy now, which I will need to work through if we ever want to have another child (NOT anytime soon.)
Trying to banish any feelings of jealousy I have around all the wonderful pregnant ladies I know who are blooming as they reach full term.
Still wrestling with what to say when people ask how old she is. She is 10 weeks, but she is not a 10 week old baby if you know what I mean. How long will I have to 'explain' her age? When will I just be able to say it normally?
Struggling with the immune issues that prem babies have, meaning I sometimes feel 'trapped' at home. We can't go out with her for a few more weeks, and I just have to breathe through each day when I feel alone and panicked here.
Sometimes feeling like I would love more visitors- more people to talk to, and sometimes feeling like I want to hide away and not see anyone, or risk any germs being brought to our home.
I'm wondering what it would have been like to go through a 'normal' labour- in a way I avoided a lot of physical pain myself. But, of course, physical pain was swapped with emotional pain.
I wonder what Baby A would be like if she had gone to term. A lot bigger, and healthier, and able to feed well I bet. But still her cute self. In a way we get to have the 'newborn' stage for about 10 weeks extra which is nice. She is my tiny, helpless newborn for a lot longer than your average baby.
In a way I'm thankful for this journey, because it's made me stronger and shown me that Matt and I are strong as a couple. Sorry to be cheesy but it's true. I feel proud of us and proud of myself.
A lot of what if's and why's, but ultimately a big PHEW and sigh of relief that here we are 10 weeks later and she is ok. She will be fine. She is a little small, and will take her time catching up, but she is doing great. No ongoing sickness or disease from being born so early. She really is a perfect baby, who arrived a tad too soon.
Happy due date to my beautiful girl x