The motherhood

Wow. Being a mum to a newborn baby is HARD ('amen' said all the other mothers.)

This is literally the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. Zapping all my energy, my resource and mostly my patience.

I am not the mother I want to be (she always smiles when the baby won't stop crying at 3am, picks the baby up and sings to her for an hour. She would never cry so hard in frustration that she loses a contact lens up the side of her eye. How unbecoming.)

I have a HUGE case of the motherhood guilts, which I picked up on the day she was born (I hear it's a common acquisition in the labour ward.)

The guilt for the start of her life, for not having her off the tube yet, the guilt for not knowing why she is crying and *not really caring and wishing she would go to sleep just for one hour oh please god.*

I am constantly second guessing myself and I never know if I am doing the right thing. In those moments I just repeat to myself, like a mantra 'she is alive, healthy and growing- you are doing the right thing.'

Being so tired my brain is too fuzzy to complete a sentence. Dreading the thought of another day and night of this. *I can't cope!!- oh wait, look at me I'm coping -"just"*

Wishing the days away till she sleeps and eats a little better and life gets a little colour again. But then, trying to treasure all her snuggly newborn-y-ness. I know it will be gone soon.

The two (yes TWO) trips back into NICU have given me a chance to sleep through the night, yet I always ended up feeling just as tired the next day. Stress about baby health will do that too you, even on a good 7 hour stretch of sleep. The trips also heaped on a pile of the guilts about if we had brought her home too soon. 

When she is in NICU, being at home seems so much easier. Yet at home, I long for the company of the nicu nurses who I can ask any question to, whose chatter means I don't feel alone, and the chance to get away for lunch, a walk, knowing someone else is watching her.

I feel so uneasy in my new role. Life is so different to when I was working, and had satisfaction of things achieved at the end of each day, of a job well done. Now, day to day I feel like I achieve little, nothing, and I do not have a sense of a job well done. Except when she smiles and gurgles at me. Then it's all worth it.

I don't know what the point of this post is. I realise this post is a muddle of incoherent thoughts *welcome to my brain!*

But this is me, my life right now. And it's hard, but I am thankful I am here, right now in the trenches, with my baby girl in my arms. A year ago we didn't know if this would ever happen. But here we are. And I wouldn't change it.

*cheesy pics from pinterest, and added to encourage myself and other mothers.