Saturday, 10 January 2015


This time, one year ago, I had been in hospital for 2 days, with bleeding and other worsening symptoms.

One year ago, I was in my room alone- Daddy was at work because I thought it would be 'just another day' in hospital.

One year ago, the team of doctors came rushing into my room, to tell me that you and I were severely ill.

One year ago, I was told you'd be born today.

One year ago I was shocked, tearful, worried, anxious. But also hopeful and yes, excited.

One year ago, I learned that the 10th of January was also your late Great-Grandfathers birthday. I felt like that was a 'sign' even though I don't believe in that kind of thing.

One year ago, your Daddy and I waited for a few hours while I was being assessed and given medicines in preparation. It was that kind of 'waiting' time where you want the time to hurry up, but you're also very nervous of what's ahead.

One year ago, I curled my body forwards to let them insert a needle into my spine. While they did that I whispered a 'hello' and 'goodbye' to you, my baby in my womb. And whispered a 'please, please, let this all be ok' in my head.

One year ago, my body went numb and was layed out for all the surgical staff to see. I was cut open and you were taken from me.

One year ago, I heard your cry, and cried myself.

One year ago, you were born and taken from me. I did not hold you for days, I did not see you for hours. But your birth was still special to me, even though it was far from what I hoped or imagined.

One year ago, you were attended to by a team of neonatal doctors. They insterted tubes, oxygen masks, took bloods, and assessed you in a matter of minutes. You were only 1.19kg.

One year ago, you were wheeled away from me, and taken into the neonatal unit, where you were placed in a warm incubator, meant to be as close an environment to the womb as possible. You were to stay in that incubator for weeks.

One year ago was the start of a journey we didn't anticipate. A year filled with lows, but mostly highs.

Today, you are so different to that wee creature of a year ago. You have come so far, my darling.

Today you are full of life and chatter and movement.

Today, you are my big girl, who sometimes sleeps in my arms and takes me back to those early snuggles.

Today, you are strong and vivacious. Your personality shines through and all those around you love you so much.

Today you are full of hope and possibility and love.

From the darkest days to days full of light and hope, 365 days I never dreamed I would travel.

One year ago was a day filled with fear and hope.

Today I am filled with love and joy.

Happy first birthday to my darling daughter.

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